Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Mind Your Head!

If only we would take our minds captive to Christ! This sign is a funny one but oh my it speaks to me deeply of how we are to take every thought captive as we go through a day. It would keep us from grumbling and complaining. It would keep us from slander and gossip. It would keep us from all the sins that plague us daily.
How can this be done? Mind your head, or take every thought captive, that is? We cannot do this without the Holy Spirit living in us and directing us. We cannot do this without surrender to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. It is a daily surrender. Some days my thoughts are rebellious before I even set my foot on the floor. The human condition takes over, the selfish thoughts begin unless I take the time to submit and release the resentments and small things that build up on the heart like barnacles on the hull of a ship, then my anger and resentment will grow all day.
I live a life of service at present. I serve my husband in every way and I serve another as a helper as well. I do not feel fit for the job...For many years I was a secretary to my Pastor. It was a good warm up for this present time perhaps, but oh my, this is humbling to me. In that position I had a small position of respectability, a badge of tiny honor. I had a congregation to draw from for volunteers to help accomplish the work. In this I stand nearly alone most of the time. Jenna is my only constant helper and I have the responsibility to not lean too heavily on her in my need. It would be easy to let her ignore her life for the needs that Jack and I have at present but then I get pulled up short as I realize I have been put in her life just as she has been put in mine. God is not ignorant of my plight and His arm is not short. He desires for her to learn functional relationships as well as having a servants heart. He desires for me to depend on Him alone in all things.
I am trying to walk this out even as "The Price is Right" is blaring from the bedroom and the dishes wait from last night and my old dog is having the last of warm sunshine in the back yard but "How do I keep him warm when I am in Madison?" runs through my mind as a huge question.
Someday I will stand on the mountain after climbing through the forest of my life and I will see what was going on in this struggle to obey and find the balance and maybe I will grasp what was truly being done in me by the path I walked. Someday maybe I will be matured by this stuggle but in the meantime I am admonished...
Lynda, Mind Your Head!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

So I look within for answers

I want to die to my impatience and temper. I want to be alive in Christ and His patience and love. It wasn't gushy love, all words and no follow through. Nope he walked his love out in healings, forgiving his enemies, miracles and truth expressed in parables. He walked his love all the way to the cross. I know I am loved.
I am not holy but the word says " Be ye holy as I am holy." mind boggling and yes legally I am sanctified but oh Lord this flesh is so near and real and untamed. I walk out my love daily and I often fail, fall short, miss the mark. I want to please God and how can he be pleased when I struggle against my situation and stew about my trials. No I need more of Him. There is no other solution to help me get rid of my nemesis, my kryptonite, my sin. More of Him.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I am not achieving any victories here except honesty

I have failed to keep my temper. I have failed to understand the disease Jack has and what part is him and what part is Parkinsons or Dementia. I have failed to treat him tenderly in the face of what reminds me of abuse.
I have busied myself with the outside stuff. the management of living and keeping him clean, fed and providing some entertainment and activities. I have failed to tell others of the battle inside me. When I am able to say something I think I have to have a solution. A way to start again. A leg up. A plan.

I got nothing. I can talk to myself .til I believe I might get it. I pray and ask for help but somehow am avoiding God despite my admission of my total dependency. I am failing daily and my heart is wounded. Maybe it is an old wound that has never healed. My anger may be old anger that I have pronounced neutralized but this is rising it up into my throat. Suzanne calls me from the other room if she hears my anger. LYNDA! I am in check and begin again.

Jack is clinging to me tightly. He is obsessed with where I am and can I hear him when he calls. He doesn't want me to stay mad. He antagonizes me one minute and begs forgiveness in some wierd way that doesn't really sound like an apology. He sees my frustration as the enemy and blames his mother for not telling him he would get this disease. I explain and I direct and I talk loud so he can hear and I touch him to help direct and he rebels and say he knows and does it his way. I tell him his mother didn't know. He doesn't believe me.

He awakens often to see where I am after he has fallen and the struggle has been great to get him to hear me and try what I suggest. He feels guilty and bad because I try to tell him to go slower and listen to my helps.

He doesn't understand why the kids don't come or call or take him and care for him. He doesn't understand why Eliana doesn't love him and smile at him or give him attention. He wants to see Evie and maybe thinks she will like him a little.

I don't understand why I have leprosy now to most of my friends. They stay away. They are distant and I resent their absence and their silence. I vacillate from making excuses for them as they have lives and their own problems. I cannot leave him. Not long enough to run to Petersons or go to Kwik Trip for bananas. I barely can get the mail or go to the laundry room for a load. I hear the walker and I am nervous. Will he fall? Will he have an accident? What is he doing? Run quick and see. I run. I ask. I watch.

He needs to get stronger for us to keep him safe. He sits a lot. I stay busy with other things. He hates taking direction from me. He dislikes exercise. I let it slide. When he does decide to walk he gets too far from the walker and he is so likely to fall and then he falls. I cannot get him up from the floor alone. I am not able to lift him, he is heavy and resistant due to the Parkinsons symptoms.

I do not know how to be me in this situation. I am a take charge, get it done if we can person. No, I do not have a plan for tomorrow. It will come and take it's own shape. All my plans seem to fall short of success. Struck down by a disease and a man that is lamenting the disease and hating the next step, as am I. He says it when I say I don't know what more I can do. "Just find a place for me Lynda. " It makes me sad, but I wonder how long I can go until I must.

I reach for my Bible at last and find some comfort in that God knows and I don't.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


When I was growing up my dad worked for Oscar Mayer. He was a night supervisor in the dept. that was like what computers are now...used many cards with square holes in them. He had a whole crew of women working all night keeping records. Well, I digress but I really felt the Oscar Mayer Wiener mobile was like "mine"! So I caught some pictures of Jessi and a friend with the wienermobile at the strawberry fest. I see the kids got little wienermobile whistles. I have a couple in my memory box from way back 50 plus years ago. So cute!

Jack and I did get to go to The Dry Bean last Sunday and hear her and her buddy from Nashville Sarah Peacock! I sure enjoyed it. They wrote some new songs together and wow they really sounded great so I hope they record together someday.

Friday, June 5, 2009

A Time to Remember!

I am loving this week. I like being a gramma very much and have my own regrets as to the house I live in which is not condusive at present to visits from lovely short people but as time passes God will provide I just know! I think of sleeping porches or little guest houses, the attic turned into dormer rooms reachable by ladders, a camper parked outside with all the emenities. Sigh!
Ye s Virginia there is a Gramma Fairy and I am certain I am she! I adore playing dress up or making up stories by the hour. I can make a silly rhyme or sing a song and add a stanza on command usually. I know how to cook delish dishes and a few treats woven in. I can loll around in a kid pool, romp with the dogs and try to play soccer with little number 8's. I try to teach things that parents forget like about fireflies and playing tent with flashlights. I have enough energy for messes but little tolerance for pooped britches. I inspire success with hand clapping and rejoicing shouts but hardly ever a bribe. I can pray up a storm with little folk and enjoy tea parties of all sorts from the mad hatter type to dress up and raise your pinkie. I love to lie on the ground and look at clouds making up stories and titles for the creatures we identify. A bug can inspire a painting or a trip to the library. Books are made for reading over and over until the child knows what comes next and will correct you if you take a shortcut. I don't mind a video once in a moon and it is okay to watch a favorite show while gramma does the dishes or checks facebook but the t.v. is for days when kids are out of sorts from tummy aches or the water pipes burst. I love giving little dogs a bath or creating clothes for the dollies out of whatever suits me at the time. Magazines are made for collages and paint is to be wasted on the young who adore to create pictures for Mom and Dad. Yes I indeed am made to be a gramma. My life doesn't allow that every day but oh my when I get the chance I just go for it!

Monday, May 25, 2009

It was a good day here!

I awakened first at 4 to Tisha banging her gate hard and then harder with her head. By 5:30 she had the bottom free so I toddled over quietly and relocked it and said a quiet "Leave it" to her. She bagan to cry but not with horrible intensity. After a 10 minute attempt to get me to come back, crying and then listening, Suzanne woke up and came and told her in no uncertain terms that she was not getting up that early. Then the tirade was on. She stopped in about 45 minutes and began playing with toys so during that I completely woke up, pushed the button on the coffee and read my devotions and journaled. When she settled down again I hit the pillows for another hour. Never dull there! Jack is beginning to sleep through what I cannot sleep through. That is good!
After reorganizing the house and packing I did the sheets and etc on the two beds and Jessi helped get Jack to the car. I brought Cami home for a visit too. I really ached all over today and took several hits of acetemetaphen to get me through. Tonight we had left-overs and not too much of that but we had a late lunch. I am "serial" about getting my weight down and beginning to work out somehow...I forgot the shower chair but need a new one anyway so time to scour the used stores.
Going to the cemetary was good. I liked my relatives and this year have a new perspective of thankfulness for my father. He was emotionally available despite his other flaws. He loved me the best he could with what he was given from his parents and the life he led. As I stood before Gramma and Grampa's graves I said a prayer of thanksgiving and it continued over to Aunt Clara's as well. I believe Jack and I may end up at the LaValle Cemetary and it has a grace and peacefulness to it but I am slightly potted about cemetaries. They usually calm me.
I used to try to go to the ceremony they have at the cemetary about 10 AM but since I began working in Madtown it hasn't worked. So the graves are decorated as a sign of respect for the relationships in my life and in theirs for the ancestors are there as well.
Tonight I watched "The Bachelorette" on ABC and it was a real eye opener. I like Jillian and a few of the men. I dislike David and hope he gets the chute soon. He has so much testosterone that he is over the top. The guy who got a date watching Martina McBride was a definate winner with me. He has a chiseled face, great eyes and a sense of fun and whimsey as well as the serious part. So far he is the only one I think would make the keeper catagory but there are lots we have not gotton to know and a group went home. I don't think one way or the other about Juan but Jillian did a great save when the guys voted him off. She has a great spirit. I also do not like the country singer guy much though he adds interest to the show. The naked pool diver at the cocktail party was like an embarrassing moment for all. Bye Bye Naked Guy!
I await Ash's critique!
Happy Memorial Day! Late but so what as Jack says....

Sunday, May 24, 2009

My Plea...without drama.

I am in need of support and help in this endeavor to keep Jack safe and well in his own home as long as possible. I want each of my children to think of what might be possible for them to do to make this work better. I know he feels solitary and alone in his situation. If it is hard to call him then write a chatty note to him every week or two. If you have the ability to visit please do. If you can stay for a few days please help me with some of the upkeep of the house. My list is long and never ending. If you have extra money and want to gift me I need a load of gravel for the driveway and perhaps a ramp or easier entry for him. The laundry room door needs trimwork and there is some painting that could be done. Jessi helped me one day and got so much done that I was relieved and shocked that she could accomplish that much in a day. I appreciate any help from any direction.
Sweet family, I know your lives are busy and complex. I do not want to guilt you or put a burden on you only let you know that I am unable to do all that is needed in a week or a day. I am desperate and this is very out of character for me to ask. I am looking at many things to figure out how to survive.
I am not wonder woman just your drama queen (as Jess reminds me) mom with some concerns and real needs for support and encouragement. If you have expectations of me please come and spend some time and learn of what I am immersed in and how taxing it is. Thanks for your consideration in this matter. I love you all without regard to how much you are willing or able to help me. My love is unconditional.

Friday, May 15, 2009

A Needy People!

My friend Peggy is in hospital with something wrong with her lungs. Her husband is a smoker but she has always tried to avoid the smoke. First they thought pneumonia but pathology said CT scan needed and now coughing up blood and admitted. Please pray.
Jack has some bronchial thing and is coughing a lot. J.S. came over with her steth and listened. Jenna has him today which is really nice as home is better for him when he is sick. He also has fallen 3 times and hurt his back and cut open his head. He is very weak and wobbly. I am doing all I can to encourage him to walk and sit up and hang his head to build strength in the neck muscles. I give him good food and get him chiropractic adjustments and try to make life interesting and give him supplements too. We pray for him and get others to. Sigh. Some things are just beyond me!
I must comment about love in the trenches. When someone is ill either physically or mentally it affects the emotions of love in a way but the true bottom rock dedication to love is not affected when the committment is clear and up front. No candlelight dinners or diamond jewelry, no passionate kisses or hand holding walks, no adventures and goal planning sessions, no heartfelt prayers while united in purpose...nothing to stimulate, not memories or hopes for such but instead something more dear connects me to the word and action of LOVE.
I did not have this committment to Jack when we first married. It was a heartfelt promise with contingencies. It was a contract with loopholes like if he stays mad for two years I get to just walk away for awhile and punish him good...but when I heard the voice of God and returned to Jack in obedience God had a plan for me to learn what Blood Covenant is. I still cannot keep the covenant (my flesh is weak) but He walks it for me just as God did for Abraham. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Furnace Frustration!

So not only did someone take the book I was reading to my house so it is not here to amuse me but when I called to ask if someone took it "by chance" I was greeted with the news that they did and that the furnace is not working right again. I had it fixed 3 weeks ago to a tune of $75. Then last weekend when it was in the 20's I had to pay Weekend rates to have a loose wire hooked up. Well, that brought a bill for nearly $100 and one week later it is not starting when turned up and so on was the story....I need prayer for the Furnace Angel to come and fix that sucker! Please ...?

Friday, March 20, 2009

General stuff:

I like to look around and find the good giveaways! This site below is great for checking on the wonderful clothing and stuff she comes up with. I will try to post a new one now and then. Posting on your blog is how you win!

Things have settled down at my house so I go forward aiming at a peaceful home.

Modern Pirate Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

Modern Pirate Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!
Oh this is so adorable! I wish to give it to Grandaugher Evie is I win but by all means try to win yourself! This lady really knows how to sew and find and redo! Just what we need for these times...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Paper Crane Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

Paper Crane Frock GIVEAWAY!!!! I want you to try to win but if I do I am gifting Ashley, my daughter-in-law! This is just her style and isn't it just precious?

I would like to have a dozen of paper cranes over my head tonight though I could not look as adorable as this model. My day has been rough, actually my week has been rough and the trials just keep coming so the cranes would amuse and distract me from the flaming arrows coming this way!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sick sick sick

I am trying to care for children but really I am too sick. I coughed so much I thought I was dying tonight and actually considered dialing 911 for about 5 minutes. I coughed and could not breathe and my chest hurt so bad that I cried. I called out the name of Jesus and somehow I am still alive and breathing.

I may not want to do this again until I am well though...take care of a failure to thrive with rickets who cries continually and I had to use a feeding tube though her nose and the electric machine which is still going as she sleeps. I had to put meds into the tube with a syringe. I really hate that sort of thing but I did it and she cried lots and lots and only stopped when she was sleeping or just to reboot.

I will go home and hope I have enough energy to celebrate Jack's 79th b-day! I am still coughing as I type so I am going to quit now. Sigh. Cough Cough cough cough....sigh

Sunday, March 1, 2009

My Life in a Maze

Today I realized that I have no options available. I am in a tough situation. My husband, father of 3 of my children, step father to one and companion for 36 years has dreaded Dementia and Parkinson symptoms. He is caught in a trap and unlike the lobster who is caught by his refusal to let go there really is no way out for him other than a miracle from God.
I cannot leave him alone for long. He fell this past week while Jenna was picking up Pam. 15 minutes away from the house and he fell blocking a door so they had to talk him up and wait to even get in to help him.
My finances require that I work. I have no choice but must earn money to make the day to day bills that need paying. I have no extra to pay a helper or sitter. It is not that I could just stop doing this or that and it would be possible but sensibly no. If I stop buying the supplements that help to keep us healthier then maybe I could buy a bit of time...10 hours a month perhaps. If I do not save for car repairs and try to pay off the greedy leeches I got mixed up with when I used credit cards then perhaps but the bill collectors will come and the phone calls would start and my stress level would increase. It would not be an answer in itself.
So what is the answer? I thought I had an answer but it is not working. What once seemed a good fit is now like the stepsister's foot in Cinderella's shoe. I agree it is not the answer any more. So where do I go for an answer? There is only one place and I am there often already to know how to be in this and which way to turn in this. I fall to my knees inside and call out the name of my Lord.
I want the pressure to stop. The pettiness and the angst has to dissipate. Like fog in the sunshine it has to go when Jesus tells me what to do and how to do it. I want to do it right and with kindness and grace but I must ease the pain for us all.
Shadows and illusions have no place in my communications with the people directly involved. My anger against the illness has to settle and the simple acceptance that it is what it is has to come. I see this clearly but still I am in the maze and must choose rightly when a choice comes. As I walk it out the choices come. Step by step I near the next choice. I do not fear it but walk strangely sure I am doing the right thing and some things have to come to an end. The frown disappears from my face and I smile, a smile of acceptance. There is no answer until I do what needs to be done.

Friday, February 20, 2009


I added a widget for "Blissfully Domestic" to my blog. Come try it out and see where it takes you! I love it!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

If you are married:

Please copy this blog and change your answers. I want you to comment so I know to look on your blogsite. Consider yourself tagged if you are married.


What are your names: Lynda and Jack

♥ What are your middle names? Annette and Wayne

♥ How long have you been together? Married almost 34 years and together nearly 36
♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating? 3-4 months
♥ Who asked who out? He asked me to do our laundry together
♥ How old are each of you? He is nearly 79 and I am 62
♥ Whose siblings do/did you see the most? We see my brother John the most
♥ Do you have any children together? 3 biological kids and he has 2 other daughters and I have a son he helped raise. We also took in a few extras.
♥ What about pets? There have been many but at present we have 2 dogs
♥ Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? Currently as Jack has Parkingson symptoms and dementia
♥ Did you go to the same school? That is a funny one...nope
♥ Are you from the same home town? No
♥ Who is the smartest? I am the whiz
♥ Who is the most sensitive? He cries at movies and when kids cry but if someone dies he keeps on chewing and says "Oh"
♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple? Breakfast various places
♥ Who has the craziest ex? We are rivals for this award
♥ Who has the worst temper? Me but not unless really pushed over my limits
♥ Who does the cooking? I do
♥ Who is more social? Me
♥ Who is the neat-freak? I clean and clean and sort and it still looks less than perfect
♥ Who is more stubborn? We are both stubborn in different areas
♥ Who hogs the bed? He snores, I snore, I am up and down and so is he so we have seperate beds
♥ Who wakes up earlier? He does usually but anything goes
♥ Where was your first date? We went to a drive in movie in Alb., N.M.
♥ Who has the bigger family? He has 3 sibs and I have two seperated by 16 years
♥ Do you get flowers often? He gave me flowers about 5 times over the years
♥ How do you spend the holidays? Before we moved into our doll house we had big gatherings for all the relatives and kids. I miss that a lot. I am still sad on holidays for the loss.
♥ Who is more jealous? He is jealous of my time
♥ How long did it take to get serious? From Sept. 23rd, 1973
♥ Who eats more? I eat more vegetables. He eats more starches
♥ Who does/did the laundry? I usually do it. He is not allowed to
♥ Who’s better with the computer? He has never touched the computer
♥ Who drives when you are together? Jack used to but I now do it all.

Posted by Lynda on Heart Day

Friday, February 13, 2009

Hearts are broken everyday.

I am a mother. I know that my kids have turned out to be independent and fairly self-sufficient in a world that is hard to navigate. I also know that my heart is broken for the relationships in the family that are in ruins, and for the decisions made to sever relationships or break confidences or judge a brother or sister. I want so badly for my kids to all love Christ and serve Him and to love one another as part of the body of Christ. I see the results of bitterness all around me. I see the results of those that don't care. Hearts that are seared become unfeeling. It is hard to have a heart for the lost if you do not have a heart for a family member. Valentines day has always been one of my favorite holidays. It is so gushy and full of possibility. I am glad to hear of marriages where love is celebrated and friendships that celebrate and family members who remember each other with love. I really do not expect to get a valentine from many. I don't really care though it is important for me to send them if I can. What I care about is that the family try to see one another in the light of Christ and learn to forgive. What I care about is that they stop judging one another and just love. Well, they will do what they do and I will stay the mother. What is my role? Prayer Warrior and Encourager. Maybe all mothers have broken hearts from time to time. It goes with the territory.

Some days are like that...

I am glad Friday is here. I am with kids. One is bellowing while I blog but she knocked over the tv this week and was at it again and would not be deterred so I put her in her fenced in area. She is upset with me. Life is just like that. Some days everyone is mad at me. Yah well it is okay. I do not fear their anger. I can take it. I have to answer to my own conscience and it works well. God is real and my conscience is fine tuned by Him. So worse than having a person mad is feeling that I have displeased my Lord. Now that sounded very sanctimonious. Forgive me as I spew my thoughts.

The week was stressful. I chose to do some things based on my beliefs so it upset others one way or another. I do not regret it.

I had a good meeting with someone today. I stuck to the principles and went back to the basics and it went well. I could have been reactive but why? I do not fear words either. They are like an arsenol at times but if I just keep calm and ask questions and avoid reacting and instead respond then it all works better. People will not always agree but "agreements" can be reached if you just aim for a win-win.

I like others to succeed. I want to be an encourager. I like to point or lead the way. I like to do it Jesus' way. Life is good (even though I really do not like my life situation at present) in spite of all the tests, trials, persecutions and misunderstandings. I am loyal and try to be kind even when I am angry. I will not be pushed around unless you have a weapon but I will cooperate and aim for high ground. I do need time to work things out in my mind before a confrontation so am learning to ask for time to consider what will be discussed. I like lists and sticking to the point. Let's just get through one thing before we address another.
I used to be a dirty fighter. I no longer find that winning is worth any price. I really learned that sticking to the things that are right no matter what it costs will make the outcome acceptable even if not exactly what I wanted. Life is short and I am on the short end. I want more peace and self-acceptance but I still do not fear a fight. I also don't run toward the fight.

So what is your concern and tactical plans re: confrontation?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I got an Award!

Ashley from the starcrossedblogger.blogspot.com/ put me up for this award! Thanks dear! Here is the verbage that accompanied the award:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind of bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even mmore friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly written text into the body of their award."

Sigh. This was very nice after a round of stressful texting about a problem with a friend. Peace be on you Ash!

My choices are:

Jamie@ always on my mind.blogspot

Shirley@ storyteller of life.blogspot

Pam@ whitewingedpam.blogspot

Pam@ sidewalkshoes.blogspot

Brenda@ coffeeteabooksandme.blogspot

Jenna@ truedreamerredeemed.blogspot

Sandy@ 4ReluctantEntertainers.com

Teresa@ teresaksheeley.typepad

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Life is busy here!

Jack and I have a houseguest who cooks! It is great to be able to finish a project and have her do all the cooking with guidance as to what to make and then she even cleans it up. Wham bam thank you maaaaam!
It is working out to have that extra bed in the living room for now, and with Jenna in school it is nice to be able to run to the church and work for a couple hours with Pam staying with Jack. She has an affection for him and likes to make him smile and laugh. It is probably good for him to have a new face to talk to and he really enjoys her cooking so that makes it a good time for us.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I got mad!

And the bathroom got cleaned!
How do you deal with stress or anger or frustration?
Sometimes I might have poured myself a tall one or drove down a country road real fast but this time I went to the store and bought a mop...a new mop with anti-bacterial strings. I also bought some other cleaning items and some curtains on sale that will help insulate the window. I spent the day cleaning and organizing the room we all share whether willingly or unwillingly we have to share. I was bone tired when the day was done and the bathroom smelled so good. The blinds took 3 washings in the tub with first lysol then ajax dish soap then vinegar and water. I used hot water and soaked for a total of 4 hours til done. The floor the mirrors, the fixtures were spic when I was done and the shelving organized. I did have two boxes of stuff left-over to deal with but it is not on the shelves cluttering up. Jack falls way too often and pulled the bookshelf over one night and broke some glass. I wanted it safer and less cluttered. Besides I was uncluttering my temper at the same time. By nightfall the issue was framed in a positive light and I actually could laugh at my over-reaction to my husband the wheelchair massacre guy. My bathroom smells so good! Yeehaw!

Friday, January 23, 2009

God met me at the altar

Last Sunday when I was so down I went to church open to hearing God speak to me. I was not disappointed. An unusual thing occured and they had an altar call during the worship. "If you need something from God-come down front during worship..." I did and I heard God answer me about what I was to do. I rejoice for His mercy! I was really needing reassurance that what I believed I had heard from God over time about my call to Reedsburg and New Life. He reiterated my call and my orders. I was told to return to Reedsburg and fight. I am a fighter so I was ready to pick up my weapons and use them but He reminded me to take my tools in one hand and weapons in the other. Jacob Bock was the speaker. I had seen a book on the table before I went in and was impressed to buy it. Now I am carrying the book and will read it before I read other books. Jacob Bock is A/G and a missionary to Madrid Spain with his wife and two kids. They were all there and gave example of the street preaching they do in Madrid. I was truly drawn to them and wondered if I could get a box and then go downtown Reedsburg but it just seemed so droll...

Later this week at prayer I was hearing scripture to speak to the dry bones again and the breath would come into them. Yeah! So I spoke to the empty pews as if to the congregation. Later P.W. came up with a great idea for using the church to show movies. Our town just lost its theater due to the flooding and it is not planning to reopen. It is expensive for families to take the kids to a movie anyway so a free movie night would be appreciated. Our target age group in Reedsburg is 20-40 with families. Not that we are opposed to the young or older ones but you have to have a target in order to hit one. So families it is! This is not the only idea but it is one idea that could bless the community and make relationship to families that are not already churched. I feel hopeful that God will bless this outreach.

I have to come up with a story or movie clip about integrity for this weeks Life Connection class on Sunday morning. The hard part is making it relevent to 7 year olds and 16 year olds as the class is broad in age. Love the challenge, but if you have a suggestion please leave a comment before tomorrow night!
I also read "The Shack" this week. I enjoyed the novel and the novel way of presenting the trinity. I did take it as an allegory and not as some wierd way of presenting a bad doctrine. I have listened to views that are highly critical of the book as ungodly. I see it differently and would think anyone could get the idea that God is relational from this book. If anyone took it as the whole picture it would be like a blind man feeling the elephant trunk and deciding an elephant was like a snake. Evidence that isn't complete, right? So if you want a really good book about learning to forgive and grasping how God loves us then read it. If you want to build a doctrine go to the Word of God. I was compelled to finish the book and it was an easy read.

All in all it was a great week. I even swam for 40 minutes and had a long wonderful lunch with Sue. Hope this next week is just as positive.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

What kind of dance is this?

I have been doing a wild kind of dance lately. I am trying to please God and get along with people in my life. I am trying to support my pastor in circumstances that are way different from a year ago. I see the foundation of my life is sure but there are some areas of clutter and debris that I have created. I can only blame myself for my credit card bills. There was an alternative but I just forged ahead living like I previously had when I had been making more money. The bills came in higher and higher but I kept thinking it would end, that somehow it would even out and I would find a way to make it better. I trusted God but forgot that trusting Him would mean not using the credit cards. What a dilemma to be in. I used American wisdom to walk out God's will and it just didn't work well. Thinking back I can see a clear path of humility that would have been required to try to avoid the pitfalls of debt and pride. Why do I learn things the hard way after so much opportunity to change. I am dancing in the desert just like the Israelites.

I also am doing a dance in personal relationships. It is sometimes a dance of anger but usually just a square dance with calls coming in that I am unsure how to interpret. I am bravely trying to find my feet in so many areas. Help oh Lord. I want to do it right. I want to be an encourager but not an enabler.

It is true that things change and I love a bit of change but the times when you cannot see where to put your foot next are hard. So those of you out there who can understand that I am repenting, resolving and breaking the habits of the past in the midst of transition in my own life and economic stress in the nation as well as in my budget please pray for me to forge new habits that bring a blessing. I thought I had a sure plan and I thought it was God's plan but at present all that is unsure in what can be seen. I have prayed and am praying and I read the word searching for God's will for now here in the situation I am currently in. I am ready to rebuild with tools in one hand and weapons of war in the other just as in Nehemiah's time of rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. I want the opportunity to do that very thing. There are looming threats to the church and delays to the classes I would need to fulfill qualifications as the 'Day Care Manager' to the day care we have projected to do at the church. Still there is hope as money comes in to fix the basement. I pray together with others at the church on Tuesdays and the hope is confirmed in the scriptures all are getting as they pray. Whew. I am sweating as I try and do this dance. I actually had a panic attack this morning. That will never do. How can I remember the dance if I am melting down? I am going to have to take time at the altar this week and find security in God even when I do not see it. He has a plan and I want to join Him where He is working.

Friday, January 9, 2009


I must admit that my home is not completely comfortable for me. Maybe no home is but the fact is I am really just living out each day in hopes that it will somehow get easier. I watch for ideas that would bring about a better resolve.
The house is too small. Jenna has more classes and she needs quiet at all times. When she is sleeping, working, reading, on the computer and when watching television. Her desk is in the living room and she does homework 24-7 when at home. She does do occasional other things but the fact is homework is pressing on her constantly. If only we had a room for her with a door. I am so cognizant of the limitations of the house.
We are all so different. Jenna hates bright lights. I tend to like them. I like the sound of the dogs nails on the tiles. I like to wear heels that click or clack on tiles. I actually used to put metal tips on the heels of all my boots. Now moccasins are fine for creeping though the woods after glimpses of animals but I am able to rock out to loud music and clink a spoon and slam a door. I sing and wail and cry loud. Life is in technicolor for me and also stereo! I do not like music on while I sleep. I like silence at night but nightlights to mark my path and Jack's to the bathroom and the water glass. We are all so different.
Jack needs to exercise more as he is getting weaker. It is only possible for him to go to the bathroom from the bedroom or the kitchen table at present. It will be possible for him to go into the living room and around the circle also when Jenna is in school. She does have 14 credits and many of them are 1 or 2 credit classes. She also will be working 14 hours a week at the school. She is trying very hard to get her area cleaned up and spruced up so it will be more orderly and useable. Jenna does want Jack to exercise more. We just need to make it possible.
My personal area is trashed since Christmas and I desperately need time to do all that is in my mind to do. I feel so stressed and irritated. I need alone time. I want to start an eating program and exercise program and initiate a budget that is trackable. All this takes time. I feel like I am running in circles with the responsibilites and the daily curves that come my way. Whew!
Now this brings up a question that has been brought to my attention. Is blogging like journaling?
Why am I writing this out for the blogworld to read? I am real and real problems happen and I need to get my thinking wrapped around the problems so I can see a way through to walk a solution or stretch my thinking to accept the way things have to be until a change can happen.
I am not mad at anyone or trying to renig on anything I agreed to do. I do need to assess how it is working and if it is still equitable. That is always a constant flux. It goes on in marriages, parenting and friendships but oh my how it goes on in complex situations of mixed and unmeasureable committment!
So, is it acceptable for a blogger to air their personal struggles on the net? Yes, in my personal opinion. I am accusing no one... only working out my thinking. I like to follow reality shows so this is a reality blog. Get over it if you disagree. It only takes a click to move to a more desireable site.
Am I in hopes someone not associated with my or my personal life will happen on this blog and have a word of wisdom? Miracles happen so it could happen but actually what I love about writing this blog is the insight it gives me when I go back and re-read it. Sometimes I get that illusive aha moment. Now that makes it all worth it!
Excuse me while I turn up the volume and turn on all the lights. I feel like dancing here in the southland where I have some space to move! I will continue to blog and dance and sing. I will survive!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Drama and The Mundane

New Years Day brought a visit from Jenna's on-line friend Michael. They arrived from the airport at 7:40 PM and I had a lovely dinner prepared. Jack was very hungry and ready for bed but he managed to wait it out and was cordial and pleasant to Michael. Michael was born in Ghana and lived there til he was 9 but later was educated in London and later attended college in Holland. He is a Micro-biologist who is now in Deleware entering his Master's Program. His plans are to specialize in Genetics and get his Doctorate as well. This young man is goal directed in all areas of his life. He spent New Years Eve at a Watch-Night Service at his church. He wanted to start the year out with God.

After a repast of Roast Beef, Salad and Roasted Vegetables we passed a plate of Christmas goodies and served a cuppa tea. It was a pleasant meal. Then Jenna called Amberly and Jimmy to join us and meet Michael. That was perfect. Nothing like a darling baby boy to break the ice and get the smiles going. Jack was humorous Texas style and I grinned and poked him several times as he used me as straight lady. Christian won Michael's heart and we could see he is good with children. Conversation at the table had included the american public schools and how he finds them lacking compared to the ones in London where his cousins are being educated presently.

He seemed an interesting sort of fellow. I wondered what the short visit would decide for the two of them but even as he got on the plane tonight I am completely in the dark as to the nature of their time together and what it might have come to. It doesn't matter actually as I feel time is the best matchmaker in many cases. We all can meet and enjoy others in the Kingdom of God and realize that we are not alone in the world! I found it encouraging on a personal level.

My heart is still broken for the backsliders I love and want to see return to the Kingdom.
As Israel is engaged in warfare on the Gaza Strip I am watching the sky. Jesus could return any day!