Sunday, September 25, 2016

My Tender Joints and Stiff Knees


                                                   My Tender Joints and Stiff Knees

I just read a post titled 'Tender joints and Stiff Knees' and I decided to blog on my feelings here in the now.  I have sat in this house too long. I no longer run down the road and sit at a friend's kitchen table or try to find a group to take my mind off my feelings. Rather I have endured my own solitude with more grace than ever before in my life. I have made friends with loneliness and solitude. It is a formal friendship for the most part. I have not allowed my emotions to spill over and bounce off the walls and strike me on the side of the face or in the mirror with the fervor and intensity I feel deep inside. Guess that I have realized only God can handle my passion and even I cannot take much of my own pain or raw desire. No, I have faded a bit from the me I used to be back when I had a mate to pour feelings out on. No one but Jack ever stayed. Even I would run away or run amok if I had to deal with it very often. Yet it is as if I wear a phantom backpack filled with amazing insights and screams of rage or wonder depending on the day and the direction of my burdens. When I paint or write I level somewhat. I was made to express but not made to invade the people around me with my frenzy of thoughts and feelings.  Other times I keep that backpack of writhing and ripening bits of emotion or opinions. Then I can read a book or watch endless hours of good network or HGTV. I avoid the things that ignite my passions which just could be dangerous to myself or the surrounding landscape. I pet my dogs and talk to cupboard doors and tell myself 'I don't care' over and over like a mantra. Do I care?  Dig into this backpack I CARRY and you will find layers of caring that go from casual to blood red and flowing passion. HEAT AND LIGHT AND LAVA ALL MINGLED IN ONE ASBESTOS LINED SAFE PLACE.
 However to show that to anyone is a risk of high levels. Most would not care to know and many would not have clue how to deal with the me who once was full fledge storm. I earned my nickname Stormy from my intensity of passion and depth of anger with what I saw surrounding me AS WELL AS WHAT I FOUND WITHIN ME.. I got much much ease from coming to Christ and trusting Him with my soul and my self whom He calmly accepted and loved. This brought A SOOTHING BALM to my psyche.
Losing Jack was bigger than anything. Caring for this man who lost so much of who he used to be,  caught up in the strangling effects of the disease just increased my inner rage. I carry a hot rock of pain for him. He had no recourse but to let himself be bound up in the limitations and frustrations of not knowing himself in this body which was uncontrollable and a mind that lost the very things he was and wanted to be. I carry the scars of that. I also carry the residue of reaching deep inside with the help of God  to be the one who walked him through this and watched him die. I am glad for him. He is with Jesus and all his frustration is gone. I am glad to still be alive and to watch my children raise their families and live through all the things which strengthen or break our faith in God but I am changed. I am not bitter. I am maybe some better but also deeply changed. It was not without cost. I paid a large price although sometimes reluctantly and without panache. My friends occasionally saw the old angry me surface from my flesh when I reacted before allowing God to pour a balm over my heart. My regret at allowing my temper to rage when I was on the edge of ...what? Was it murder or was it defeat? I cannot know this. Only God knows the heart that rages and the motivations that dwell in deep recesses of pain. Only knowing the nature of the savior could stop me from falling into the abyss of my own making. I am grateful for the words of a friend calling me back from the edge or the prayers of those who couldn't know what I was going through but prayed anyway. I am deeply grateful. I look forward to the day I see that man again and can tell him how sorry I am that I didn't do better at comforting him who was locked up in a prison that seemingly had no key.
I must leave here. I long for heat where cold has crystalized me. I long to write and here I cannot seem to keep on writing I need a safe place to drop the pack I carry. I need a canvas of a different color to slap on the paint of my passion. I am ready to go. Will I be more understood there? Well, perhaps not but I will be someone whose past is not written in slaps and dashes on the lives of those around me. I will look out on a new horizon. I will remember the mountains of his and my beginnings instead of the rolling hills of our ending.. I am ready and God is allowing me to go. I need to seek God without the constant reminder of the brokenness of the church and the divisive design of the enemy. I am sallying forth hoping to find an ease for my tender joints and stiff knees. I do not need anyone's permission but my own as God is allowing me freedom to go. I have been strong too long. Now I want to learn again to feel and to seek the God who holds my healing open armed waiting for me to walk into his embrace. I go with God and I expect great things. The time is short and I must be about this journey.
Blessings to you!




Wednesday, September 14, 2016

 Here I am going through pictures. This little cherub is MOI! I was adorable once and now I am glad I have proof. Haha! I am getting closer to leaving. Of course I will miss things and people from here but the mountains and sunrises and sunsets are calling me to the desert. Apache Junction I am coming. Be ready!
Sunrise at my Motor Home Park.

Daughters at Media 

Okay I am just having fun thinking of my arrival back in the desert. I will enjoy every minute up until then as well and I am not foolish enough to think it will answer all my needs or solve all my problems. Silly that. I do think I will enjoy it though and I am on a search to find some things that may be waiting for me there. Even while I am listening and looking I shall find ways to love others that God puts in my path and enjoy the views I find in front of  my eyes. 

I love an adventure and this is one. What is your adventure? Mine is asking God to lead and guide and then rolling with what turns up. Prayer plays a huge part. Not long involved pryers that could be written in a book...no,  simple and heartfelt prayers that are prayed in faith Of course I falter but that is part of walking on uneven ground on a narrow path. If you choose the easy broad path you may be heading to an end you will not desire. 

TODAY:

I have done 5 boxes of pictures, office stuff and mementos. I will need help loading them into the Acadia and someone at UPS will unload them.
I have some sad things in my life. I tend to be generous and willing to share. At times this bites me hard, I loan and hope to be repaid when it is an agreement. I need such people to be honorable. If they aren't God provides for me but such lapses of honor cause divisions in relationship. We hang with those we trust and find common ground with. If they find it hard to be in fellowship while owing me then they turn away. I have given grace and given it with no judgment but when someone who used to call and come stops and avoids me it tells me a story that is a sad one. 
For the most part people are mature and communicate if they are unable to fulfill a promise but sometimes the immature hide and make up their own story to themselves about why it is okay to be that way. I was young once and made plenty of mistakes. I now see how others might have felt when I acted out of character and broke my word. My prayer is that they learn quickly and remain transparent and give up the pride that divides.
I am certain that many of my readers will resonate with this simple sad story.

TOMORROW
The countdown is on. I love anticipation. I am anticipating how the last weeks will go. I hope for a party (but have no chairs....) I hope for fun times with loved ones to be able to happen. Leaving doesn't mean not loving. I love gently with light touches. Any other kind can be a burden. I never want to be a burden if I can help it. I am trying to learn not to walk in co-dependence with others but to give up all passive aggressive ways and communicate my needs and wants clearly with no guilt and no manipulation. I may fail as old habits are a b word. However I am asking God to help me in this growth. My biggest hope and prayer is for this house to sell and for me to be free of the responsibility that having two houses incurs. I do not let it weigh me down though. I want to see my good and old friends from years back once more before I leave but either way I have great memories and thank God for the internet and cheap stamps for the internet avoiders. 

PAST
A week or two ago I had a steroid shot in my back and it seems to have alleviated a while lot of pain. I am not pain free as the legs and feet still are  afflicted but I am so much better. I rejoice and thank God that this particular treatment worked, My tattoo looks good and seems to have just melted into my body as if it always belonged there. My life scripture is Romans 8:28 and I wanted  a section of it on my body for many years but never took action. When age 70 approached I decided to just gift myself with it. Jessi Lynn helped me find the best artist for me and I followed through. Alleluia. 


Okay folks that is about it for this week. I will tune back in and you all may enjoy another epistle from my folding table in my empty house.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

I am resuming my Blog after a nearly 5 years. I spent a late night thinking, reading scripture watching Sid Roth and praying. Got back to bed at 4 a.m. I may need a nap but naps are my friend. It has been too long since I blagged so am looking forward to attempting to put my thoughts and photos down for friends and interested readers. I invite comments.


I am about to leave my home state once again for the land of sun and cactus. I found that I loved AZ and bought a mobile home in a 55+ mobile home park in Apache Junction. I look forward to showing my friend Jenna the way around my newfound home and letting her get to know the grandkids I miss so much and face time helps but is not sufficient. Jenna will drive my new Acadia and me the dogs and stuff down the long highway about 26 hours of travel. I just got word she will be able to take paid vacation which is rock
 on wonderful! I have a old gold mine to escort her to and friends to introduce her to. October will be here in no time. I just have more to box up and send UPS. I  have so far sent about $800 worth of boxes to Jamie's place. I found it is way cheaper to send this stuff UPS than to have a mover. 
I will have room in here for dogs and various odd shaped things, my most precious paintings and china set as well as my safe. It is getting real at long last.
I found the truck was leaving me sitting waiting for a tow more often than I liked so I traded for this used but new to me GMC Acadia. It seems very nice and I am praying for it to be a good long lasting vehicle for my various travels on the AZ highways.


I love a good adventure and I went down for 6 months to see if I would like it. I rented a luxury apartment and had dog parks available to take them to. However I am so not an apartment kid. I like my own space and nothing on the other side of the wall but distance between me and my neighbor. I found a used mobile home in a 55+ Mobile Home Estate in Apache Junction. The front window looks right at the Superstition Mountains which are very beautiful and alluring. I will never be a climber or hiker but I have love of beautiful sights to behold. I find the cactus and native trees and plants to be lovely and exciting to learn about. My 6 months stretched into nearly 8 months and then I had to return and get this lovely little place on Ellinwood ready to sell. I determined that I have way too much stuff and why oh why did I take 6 totes full of photos???? I now find them to be lovely but an albatross. So though I am taking most of them with me I shall be paring them down by sharing with others. The kids should have many of them and some friends will get a blessing in the mail. I may purchase a decent scanner and put a lot of them on discs but manilla envelopes are way quicker. Tee Hee! I have a lovely storage shed right outside the trailer back door. When I get my deck built and steel doors added for security plus my fence for the girls....oh my it will be very easy living. I will upload pictures of my adventures as I go.

Last night was lots of thunder and rain. I was up due to the steroid shot I believe but it factored well into my desire to seek the Lord and do some serious thinking. The rain just kept coming and this morning I have a virtual lake outside the back deck. The dogs are unimpressed though Bella's long legs helped her skirt the depths. Taffy did not make it. She is a whiner when it comes to scary stuff. Her thunder shirt gets a work out. I will still need it in AZ as they have various thunderstorms there as well. She is still a bit afraid of strangers and some men. She is just a mellow quiet girl unlike Bella who has a big mouth and is very excitable.
The view out my front guest bedroom/studio in AZ at 4:45 AM  the first night I stayed in my mobile home.


Here are my girls in state of waiting for the next meal. They love to lay on my bed and snooze away. Both these lovely ladies are about 8 1/2 years old. I love older dogs. They get along well for two females and are generally great companions. My life has changed a ton since Jack became late. I have tried new things and made a lot of changes. I cannot live in the past though I do visit it through photos and memories and stories I have written. I hope to finish my memoir of Jack's and my life together when I get my roots down in AZ.  Both dogs knew Jack so they are even more valuable because of that shared history.

My attempt at on line dating which came out of a long winter here in WI. was not a success and it makes me avoid that as a future method of meeting someone. I am less anxious to find another companion due to the disasters I met up with through the dating sites. One day I shall blog about that fiasco. I have met other ladies in similar situations and they share their lives with me. I find that I have fallen into some good groups of folks to spend time with. I find them to be a hoot. Much laughter is heard when we are together.
Here I am with a dear lady named Anita. She and I attend a church called Generation church and we met on one of our first times there. She is a little thing and we are like Mutt and Jeff. We are here at our favorite lunch spot on a local golf course and having our goodbye lunch. Jamie took this shot of us. The misters were on misting us as it was beginning to get hot then though only in high 90s.  We loved to sit outside and watch the ducks as we shared life stories and lunch conversation. Anita is also a widow but twice. She was married many years to a lovely man and then a few years after his death she married again to another special guy. She has done a ton of traveling. We may even do a bit of traveling together. We talked of going to a CA resort together. Time will tell. We make out plans but God knows what will occur.
I am now going to work on downloading some photos I took of the lake I am currently afloat in. My learning curve on this Mac is slow.  However I will get it eventually. I have enjoyed starting this blog back up and hope some of you can keep up to my ups and downs.
Blessings to all.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Heaven is Real

This week had plenty of challenges, physically and emotionally. Mom had surgery and it went well. It was good my brother was along as it was physically challenging for me with lots of walking and lugging stuff. I am heading down to see her and check on her progress today. She needs my help and I am glad to do it. She certainly did enough for me over the years. What a great mom she was if I had flu or was sick! Now it is my turn to do some care-taking and attending to her needs.
The senseless violence in the news is heartbreaking and disturbing. Evil is ever present and we, as Christians, need to be vigilant and pray. We can also realize our enemy is not guns. They are mere tools. Yes, make people register and use good sense with their use but do not make us a nation of unarmed people. Slaves are unarmed....not free people. It does nothing to stop violence and evil really....may deter a small amount of crimes of passion but I really do not think it would make a difference. I think the issue is the heart of a man/woman.  I will encourage us retaining the right to be armed as citizens of a free nation. I also do not believe we should take the law into our own hands. Love is the only force that overrides hate. Let us remember that love is not necessarily a feeling but a verb, an action word. Do love and you may feel love. Forgive and leave vengeance to God. I am very sad for the empty arms of the parents and the chilling reality that they will not see those children/adults who were murdered until heaven if they are people of faith in Jesus Christ. I entreat you to choose to put your faith in Jesus Christ if you have not. There is no security anywhere but in Him.
Be blessed and be thoughtful over this Christmas Season.
If you have not considered Christ before I suggest a read that may encourage you. Heaven is Real by Todd Burpo. I read it to Jack when he was close to dying and he received renewed hope from it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Nashrock and Thanksgiving 2012

 Hey you  really grew since I saw you this summer! I bet you don't remember me. Lucas you are adorable!
 Judah is as full of energy and smiles as ever. I really enjoyed him a lot. He kept me on the move.
 Auntie Cha Cha got in on some serious story reading....actually I read to Judah most nights (4 books) before bed. That was really fun...especially the Maurice Sendak ones.
 Auntie Jessi got in on some diaper changing and other important activities. She is game. Lucas loves her.
 I made Thanksgiving dinner. It was pretty good. The pies were resting and waiting for the 'moment' of inclusion.
 Let's see....Mashed potatoes, two kinds of stuffing, Brussel sprouts with bacon, turkey and gravy, corn casserole and Lingonberry preserves. I am getting hungry for a rerun.
 Here it is! Lucas got his own birthday pie and he really enjoyed it. One year old on Thanksgiving!
 Snazzy new shoes from the Aunties....he looks like they appeal to him as he wanted to play with them.
 Oh the joys of a flashlight...Lucas was enthralled and luckily did not drop it on his toe!
 I caught a bit of mommy and the boys having couch time. they took turns pummeling her and giggling.
 A view from the stairs. Playpens are invaluable to mothers. You must have a way to corral them for awhile. Lucas fortunately likes to read all his hard books so it is not torture for him.
 He was having PB&J on bread. I did not cut off the crusts but he ate down pretty close to them.
 This child has a very engaging smile. He can turn it off and on for the camera but it is not really insincere. He has laughter in his eyes too.
Judah lined up all the dirt toys and I caught a shot of his hard work. Lucas loves the dirt and often carries lots in with him.....
I had a lovely visit. Jamie took some shots with her camera and I await their arrival on fb or where ever she posts them. I want one of the family shots for my wall. We really had fun.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

More putting by.....

You might think I loved vegetables. This one loves me back!
My very favorite pickle is the bread and butter pickle. These are particularly wonderful with a sandwich.
The squash we did not consume were ground and put in bags to make breads in the fall and winter and frozen.
As the tomatoes kept on coming, I instructed Jenna who was watching my home while I was in St. Louis with the Grands....to wash and bag them for me to create sauce when I returned. I dragged nearly every bag out on Thursday and put them on the stove. They thawed and I cooked them down a bit and put them through the food mill. I then added a basil leaf, a bit of garlic and some salt to each quart. Oh they are really nice on my back shelves after canning them.
I do love vegetables!!!

Canning and Preserving

I grew these little jewels in my garden even though we had a drought. I did enjoy and appreciate my garden this year.
Simmering some sauce on the stove.....
I ran on to some gorgeous peaches in August and decided to make some lovely canned peaches and a pie
I grew up canning with my father more than my mom. He did it simply and with not much fuss and I try to stick to those rules for all the basic things.
The cans look so lovely when finished. I like them lined up on the shelf as well. This peach pie was absolutely delicious. I used sour cream in it and it was so tender!
There were just a few left over for me to use fresh or with cereal.
Late strawberries were to be found at the Farmer's Market. Let's create some jam.
I tried a recipe without pectin. Lovely little jars of future jam. They promised they would jell in two weeks. Hmmm. Maybe syrup?
Jenna brought me some 'pickles' as her husband so aptly called the cucumbers. I decided to make them fit the name.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Refreshed and Ready

I have not posted in a mighty long time. I have been working on my Memoir of my life with Jack and then with Jesus. I now belong to a wonderful group of ladies who have encouraged me along with my daughters Jamie and Jessi to tell my story. I am doing just that. I miss my precious Jack at times. He was unique and probably the only man this woman could have stayed married to. Thank you Jesus for the time. I am not over come with grief. I am moving in the Holy Spirit and going forward to make a difference and to just enjoy God. I grieved as I went through the difficult times. Jack passed into eternity knowing Jesus as his savior on July 17th, 2011. I joined the Memoir group that Sept. I am happy though at times feel very alone. I have found having friends my age and older has been an encouragement. I do appreciate all the younger friends I have bonded with in the eighteen years I have lived in WI since moving back in 1994 I also became a Minister with Impact Ministries International which has made me more confident to go forward with what God shows me to put my hand to. I am feeling like the blog needs to be reestablished as I am refreshed and ready for the outreach again. Blessings. I may post about once a week so subscribe if you like.
This was taken the day of Jack's funeral. It was a day of being surrounded by loved ones and remembering Jack's presence in all our lives. Grandkids near and seen more often...Eliana and Mikey
The revealing of the Headstone with Bubble-fest and all the kids dancing around being free and unrestrained. It was a day to celebrate and remember with smiles.
Then came my birthday picnic. All the kids and their mates and families and many friends came and brought gifts to me as well. It was wonderful for me.

Friday, January 20, 2012

February Photo Challenge.

My lovely daughter in law Ashley is doing a January Photo Challenge and I just may try to catch up but even if I don't I have one thought up for February. I did random words and phrases that seemed could be incentive for a photo shoot. I challenge you to give it a try.....do all at once and post like a blog or however seems good and pleasant to you. Blessings and happy shooting! February Photo Challenge 1.) A Tree you love 2.) Perfection 3.) Biggest challenge 4.) Lovely to touch 5.) Too cute 6.) Beware 7.) Energized 8.) Heart sounds 9.) Labyrinth of some kind 10.) If only I could… 11.) Movie still 12.) Baking up a treat 13.) Lacey and luscious 14.) My Valentine 15.) Regrets 16.) Words that I love 17.) Usually unnoticed 18.) Peace 19.) Worship in action 20.) Mirror, mirror on the wall… 21.) Sporting chance 22.) Project 23.) Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral 24.) Closet contents 25.) Favorite 26.) Pink 27.) Feet 28.) French dream