I have been doing a wild kind of dance lately. I am trying to please God and get along with people in my life. I am trying to support my pastor in circumstances that are way different from a year ago. I see the foundation of my life is sure but there are some areas of clutter and debris that I have created. I can only blame myself for my credit card bills. There was an alternative but I just forged ahead living like I previously had when I had been making more money. The bills came in higher and higher but I kept thinking it would end, that somehow it would even out and I would find a way to make it better. I trusted God but forgot that trusting Him would mean not using the credit cards. What a dilemma to be in. I used American wisdom to walk out God's will and it just didn't work well. Thinking back I can see a clear path of humility that would have been required to try to avoid the pitfalls of debt and pride. Why do I learn things the hard way after so much opportunity to change. I am dancing in the desert just like the Israelites.
I also am doing a dance in personal relationships. It is sometimes a dance of anger but usually just a square dance with calls coming in that I am unsure how to interpret. I am bravely trying to find my feet in so many areas. Help oh Lord. I want to do it right. I want to be an encourager but not an enabler.
It is true that things change and I love a bit of change but the times when you cannot see where to put your foot next are hard. So those of you out there who can understand that I am repenting, resolving and breaking the habits of the past in the midst of transition in my own life and economic stress in the nation as well as in my budget please pray for me to forge new habits that bring a blessing. I thought I had a sure plan and I thought it was God's plan but at present all that is unsure in what can be seen. I have prayed and am praying and I read the word searching for God's will for now here in the situation I am currently in. I am ready to rebuild with tools in one hand and weapons of war in the other just as in Nehemiah's time of rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. I want the opportunity to do that very thing. There are looming threats to the church and delays to the classes I would need to fulfill qualifications as the 'Day Care Manager' to the day care we have projected to do at the church. Still there is hope as money comes in to fix the basement. I pray together with others at the church on Tuesdays and the hope is confirmed in the scriptures all are getting as they pray. Whew. I am sweating as I try and do this dance. I actually had a panic attack this morning. That will never do. How can I remember the dance if I am melting down? I am going to have to take time at the altar this week and find security in God even when I do not see it. He has a plan and I want to join Him where He is working.