Saturday, February 27, 2010

I Think I Drank Too Much Blushing Rose

I don't make a habit of siphoning a bottle of wine by myself but tonight I wanted to eat poblamo peppers with cream cheese and bacon. Delicious and tasty by the way and even better accompanied by a glass of Blushing Rose by  Wollersheim Winery (Sauk City, WI.)
So I am busy cleaning and updating on fb when my mom calls. I have had 3/4 a bottle by then and hadn't realized it as I was just drinking it when I passed by and kept working. Bad idea. Oh, too late to think about it, maybe I needed this night of total honesty with mom. It was good she knew I was drinking. I boldly told her I had a bit too much and was super talkative. We had the best conversation ever! Not just because I say so. She said she loved talking to me when I was so free and open. Ha!
I am totally spent and not because I am working so hard physically. It is more an emotional toll and I am willing to admit what part my emotions take in this I get so frustrated!!! Caretaking also has physical tolls and my back can get very stressed and hurting from steadying with all his weight and other rescue acts which are costly when you are missing a disc and not exercising very often. I was reading caretaker blogs this week and I want to be able to walk around the block and whip back here then go another direction so I am gone only about 15 minutes at the most and hopefully can trust Jack to sit on the porch while I am walking for that long so I can exercise more in a couple weeks. He is not very trustworthy but I am hoping beyond hope that it will work. If it doesn't I will invest in more duct tape!
My day trip to Waupaka was wonderful though we hardly did any shopping. Jack just couldn't stand it. I wanted to pick up something I had on lay-away and so did Jenna so our time was in the gallery with David. He rocks, by the way! What a trusting and kind man with a gift for gab. We both like him a lot. I think Pam liked him too when she went in there with me earlier. (Maybe she and I can go again sometime!)_So when our business with David was complete we ate at The North Woods Inn next to the Goodwill and the Lumberyard. It had good food and pancakes as big as the plate for Jack! Then we stopped at the Main Street Market where they carry some whimsey that we love. Kelly Ann Roberts Artwork and Dolly Mama along with lovely plaques full of fun! We looked, we tasted the fudge and we bought a few tiny lovelies plus those funny cards for the upcoming events! Lookout friends!
I am excited about Jenna's upcoming marriage and like her man pretty good. He is loving to her and that is the main point and 2nd he is very kind to Jack and I. I appreciate the help he gives us. They are going on a honeymoon in Door County and that is the best!
I have ordered them some wonderful sheets from Lori who is a longtime friend from long ago in the Tri-Cities, WA. They live in GA now though. These are sheets with 1,000 thread count for $40 a set any size  twin to king and  available in  11 colors!  They are good on mattresses that are 18 inches thick! I would post a referral if I can figure it out as I totally believe it is the best of deals! You can find them on facebook. Lori's Luxury Linens Plus. These  people are honest and will give you good service!
Oh my latest of time wasters is Swag bucks online. It is a search engine that pays you to search. I love it as I am always looking for new blogs to peruse! If you want to try it please let me refer you : I promise you will not regret it and after while you will love looking for ways to earn swagbucks online! You can get Amazon or Starbucks giftcards by earning points!
Highlites of my day were: talking to my daughter Jams and hearing Judah in the background. He was laugh /crying which he does so well. I love the kids to pieces! I look forward to seeing them this spring! Beck will be so big and fun and Evie a cute little mini-mama! Judah is the rapid growing adventurer who will surpise me with his tenderness I am sure! I have not seen them for soooooooooo long! Last July actually!
I adore my Eliana and Mikey who are in Sun Prairie. It seems so close but actually it is hard to get together with them. I work with kids so if anyone is sick I do not want to expose them. We have dogs there so it is hard to have a way to clean a lot and hide the dogs so Mike and Eliana are not compromised. Somehow it is not easy to spend an afternoon there with Jack and the wheelchair. Jack wants to rock and roll his chair and that poses a space problem and a possible injury for the baby. Mikey is just adorable and learning so quickly about all that he experiences! Eliana is very imaginative and conjures up many adventures when she is not wrapped up in the world of animation on tv or of wild animals which she later can imitate and play pretend.  School is fun for her and I am certain recess is her favorite class! She loves to play! She does adore her little "monkey" no, her brother "Mikey"!
My God kids and the foster baby Janasia take up some of my time and energy. I love each of them and pray for all good things in their final outcome. Janasia seems to be thriving under the care of Suzanne and the nursing staff. Our day nurse for Tues, Weds and Thurs is splendid. She loves Janasia and has no fear of using every technique to bless this kid. I think she can see as well as hear. The problem seems to be in organizing what she sees and hears to make good sense from it. Prayers are still coveted for her development and healing.
Truth be known though. Jack is my constant concern and only when he is sleeping early in the night before midnight am I safe to relax. After I actually go to bed any number of things actually can happen and they do! Last night he was trying to get ready for work at 4 AM! I awoke and talked him back into bed. Boo and then my adrenalin was raging. I did go back to sleep after awhile though.
My studio is looking better. The prospect of actually working on a project does not seem so far fetched now. Well, my wine flush is wearing thin and dishes are calling me. Then bed of course. Blessings on any who read my ramblings. I am enjoying my alone time and my down time tonight.  The walls are newly adorned and rearranged and though I was in my cups I was not too far gone. I appreciate my friends who read this rambly blog!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Making the Best of Things as a Way of Life

I find a lot has to do with how I handle the random thoughts that appear suddenly in my mind. Like "No one really cares!" which appears often. I have to back up and tell myself a few things.

1.) God cares. He sent His son Jesus to pay the price for my sins.
2.) Other people do care in varying degrees but they have not walked in my shoes so they do not recognise my needs.
3.) I have always been a giver, an organizer, a catalyst for fun, and even if on occasion I complained I appeared to have it pretty together and figured out. They may not know how to care for me.
4.) Perhaps this is my time to cling to the Rock and wait for the rescue.
5.) I must not ignore the ones he has alerted and are showing me they care. Just because I want attention from certain people I must take what is being offered with true gratitude.
6.) The devil wants me to feel abandoned and unloved. He lies.
7.) So, if I feel this way then "Others" may feel this as well. How can I show them that I care even if I cannot be with them or answer their needs?
8.) I can start by keeping my gratitude journal updated and find what is good, positive and  lovely. It may remind me of things that encourage me if I re-read some of the entries!
9.) I can find someone who likes to laugh and someone who likes to pray and ask for them to pray for my attitude and help me find laughter to banish the blues!
10.) I can refuse to dwell on that thought!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

10 Caretaking tips!

1.) Be prepared to laugh. So many small funny things happen each day that you can chuckle or at least smile about. When you first get up each day ask for help keeping it light and eyes to see the smile in it all. Find funny books and articles, dvd's and audios to make your day!

2.) Do not live in guilt because you dislike your position or parts of your job as a caretaker. Give yourself a break from guilt. Find one or several people who you can be honest with, who will not judge you for your feelings and use them as a sounding board when you are bursting at the seams with frustration. Do not let the person you are caretaking laden you with guilt. Pass it off. Pray it off. Laugh it off...but get rid of it!

3.) ASK  for help. Just ask those who have told you they would help. Could be they can. Could be you could get a break. Don't give up. Find others in the same position and stay in touch with them. Network resources.

4.) Learn all you can about options available. Information can be your friend.

5.) Do something for yourself. Want flowers on your table? Don't wait for another to get those for you. Chances are they will never think of it. Budget those flowers in. Love to hang out in bookstores. Find a way to spend an hour at the library or a bookstore.  Need a massage? Schedule one in as often as you can.

6.) Get up and put on your makeup and spray yourself with something light and lovely. Wear a color that makes you feel beautiful!

7.) Sit with your pets if you have them. Borrow a pet for an afternoon and stroke or walk them.

8.) Find beautiful images to put up. If you think you are stranded on the island of caretaking at least let your eyes rest on beauty.

9.) Grow something, create something, write something, keep a journal!

10.) Put encouraging scriptures or quotes up where you can read them and change them often. What you plant in your mind will help you stay positive! Eradicate the negative and accentuate the positive!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Endurance is the Name of the Game

Good morning, (well it is better than the night was so I call it good.) To be home is so important to me just now. I had help getting Jack in which I needed oh so desperately as he was intensely wobbly. Relief swept over me when Mike, Jenna's darling showed up as we pulled in and I took the dogs in. He and I pulled him to his feet and then Jenna appeared and took over and all I had to do was haul things. I am good at that and staying on my feet...will I have another winter like this one in my life? Oh, who knows what lies ahead? Today is all I have energy for.

I had company watching CSI New York and helping make wedding lists and watch Mike tease Jenna about various aspects of weddings. He is a terrible tease and she laughs a lot. The night brought a fall. Jack was disoriented and headed for my closet instead of the bathroom. He was able to crawl to the bed and get up and it turned out well. I have not looked at what was crushed or broken. He was not hurt so I am pleased.

I am letting go of my expectation that Jack fight this thing. That is all I can do to release my sense of disappointment when he falls or forgets or gets mad over something I can't figure out. I have to let go of any expectation of others to help me through this and just be grateful for what comes my way. I have to keep in mind that this is a season whatever that means. Some Winters are longer than others and this one seems very long and very hard. I need to go into auto-pilot about the long re-do conversations explaining stuff and not let irritation take over. He is able to think about some stuff relating to his daily life but other things become very confused. Jenna can make him laugh and he likes her fiance so that is good. He looks forward to going to church and doesn't mind going to Suzanne's though it confuses him about what day it is and where are we going today...

I had a melt-down when I read Jamie's blog about Judah becoming a boy. I so do want to be involved and I need to give myself a reality check there. Perhaps my isolation or feeling of isolation is making this harder and it will all get more even in the Spring. Things will change then. Jamie will come with Judah and I will get to see him. My flowers will bloom and lots of things will get brighter and more cheerful!

I have bills to pay and taxes to organize, meals to cook and floors to clean. Today I will bury myself in my work and play music loud. It is all good. When I go to the grocery store I will buy myself flowers and tonight when The Mentalist comes on I will open a bottle of bubbly to celebrate what I did get done. I will find things to get me through this period of my life. I do not want to feel sorry for myself. What I am experiencing is normal for caretakers, right???? I pray blessings on each one who is going through this type of thing and I thank God for the prayers people are praying for me.

"Through Him also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God. Moreover let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance and endurance develops maturing of character. And character produces joyful and confdent hope of eternal salvation. Such hope never disappoints us for God's love has been poured out in our hears through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us" - Romans 5:2-5 Amp.