Saturday, January 31, 2009

I got mad!

And the bathroom got cleaned!
How do you deal with stress or anger or frustration?
Sometimes I might have poured myself a tall one or drove down a country road real fast but this time I went to the store and bought a mop...a new mop with anti-bacterial strings. I also bought some other cleaning items and some curtains on sale that will help insulate the window. I spent the day cleaning and organizing the room we all share whether willingly or unwillingly we have to share. I was bone tired when the day was done and the bathroom smelled so good. The blinds took 3 washings in the tub with first lysol then ajax dish soap then vinegar and water. I used hot water and soaked for a total of 4 hours til done. The floor the mirrors, the fixtures were spic when I was done and the shelving organized. I did have two boxes of stuff left-over to deal with but it is not on the shelves cluttering up. Jack falls way too often and pulled the bookshelf over one night and broke some glass. I wanted it safer and less cluttered. Besides I was uncluttering my temper at the same time. By nightfall the issue was framed in a positive light and I actually could laugh at my over-reaction to my husband the wheelchair massacre guy. My bathroom smells so good! Yeehaw!

Friday, January 23, 2009

God met me at the altar

Last Sunday when I was so down I went to church open to hearing God speak to me. I was not disappointed. An unusual thing occured and they had an altar call during the worship. "If you need something from God-come down front during worship..." I did and I heard God answer me about what I was to do. I rejoice for His mercy! I was really needing reassurance that what I believed I had heard from God over time about my call to Reedsburg and New Life. He reiterated my call and my orders. I was told to return to Reedsburg and fight. I am a fighter so I was ready to pick up my weapons and use them but He reminded me to take my tools in one hand and weapons in the other. Jacob Bock was the speaker. I had seen a book on the table before I went in and was impressed to buy it. Now I am carrying the book and will read it before I read other books. Jacob Bock is A/G and a missionary to Madrid Spain with his wife and two kids. They were all there and gave example of the street preaching they do in Madrid. I was truly drawn to them and wondered if I could get a box and then go downtown Reedsburg but it just seemed so droll...

Later this week at prayer I was hearing scripture to speak to the dry bones again and the breath would come into them. Yeah! So I spoke to the empty pews as if to the congregation. Later P.W. came up with a great idea for using the church to show movies. Our town just lost its theater due to the flooding and it is not planning to reopen. It is expensive for families to take the kids to a movie anyway so a free movie night would be appreciated. Our target age group in Reedsburg is 20-40 with families. Not that we are opposed to the young or older ones but you have to have a target in order to hit one. So families it is! This is not the only idea but it is one idea that could bless the community and make relationship to families that are not already churched. I feel hopeful that God will bless this outreach.

I have to come up with a story or movie clip about integrity for this weeks Life Connection class on Sunday morning. The hard part is making it relevent to 7 year olds and 16 year olds as the class is broad in age. Love the challenge, but if you have a suggestion please leave a comment before tomorrow night!
I also read "The Shack" this week. I enjoyed the novel and the novel way of presenting the trinity. I did take it as an allegory and not as some wierd way of presenting a bad doctrine. I have listened to views that are highly critical of the book as ungodly. I see it differently and would think anyone could get the idea that God is relational from this book. If anyone took it as the whole picture it would be like a blind man feeling the elephant trunk and deciding an elephant was like a snake. Evidence that isn't complete, right? So if you want a really good book about learning to forgive and grasping how God loves us then read it. If you want to build a doctrine go to the Word of God. I was compelled to finish the book and it was an easy read.

All in all it was a great week. I even swam for 40 minutes and had a long wonderful lunch with Sue. Hope this next week is just as positive.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

What kind of dance is this?

I have been doing a wild kind of dance lately. I am trying to please God and get along with people in my life. I am trying to support my pastor in circumstances that are way different from a year ago. I see the foundation of my life is sure but there are some areas of clutter and debris that I have created. I can only blame myself for my credit card bills. There was an alternative but I just forged ahead living like I previously had when I had been making more money. The bills came in higher and higher but I kept thinking it would end, that somehow it would even out and I would find a way to make it better. I trusted God but forgot that trusting Him would mean not using the credit cards. What a dilemma to be in. I used American wisdom to walk out God's will and it just didn't work well. Thinking back I can see a clear path of humility that would have been required to try to avoid the pitfalls of debt and pride. Why do I learn things the hard way after so much opportunity to change. I am dancing in the desert just like the Israelites.

I also am doing a dance in personal relationships. It is sometimes a dance of anger but usually just a square dance with calls coming in that I am unsure how to interpret. I am bravely trying to find my feet in so many areas. Help oh Lord. I want to do it right. I want to be an encourager but not an enabler.

It is true that things change and I love a bit of change but the times when you cannot see where to put your foot next are hard. So those of you out there who can understand that I am repenting, resolving and breaking the habits of the past in the midst of transition in my own life and economic stress in the nation as well as in my budget please pray for me to forge new habits that bring a blessing. I thought I had a sure plan and I thought it was God's plan but at present all that is unsure in what can be seen. I have prayed and am praying and I read the word searching for God's will for now here in the situation I am currently in. I am ready to rebuild with tools in one hand and weapons of war in the other just as in Nehemiah's time of rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. I want the opportunity to do that very thing. There are looming threats to the church and delays to the classes I would need to fulfill qualifications as the 'Day Care Manager' to the day care we have projected to do at the church. Still there is hope as money comes in to fix the basement. I pray together with others at the church on Tuesdays and the hope is confirmed in the scriptures all are getting as they pray. Whew. I am sweating as I try and do this dance. I actually had a panic attack this morning. That will never do. How can I remember the dance if I am melting down? I am going to have to take time at the altar this week and find security in God even when I do not see it. He has a plan and I want to join Him where He is working.

Friday, January 9, 2009


I must admit that my home is not completely comfortable for me. Maybe no home is but the fact is I am really just living out each day in hopes that it will somehow get easier. I watch for ideas that would bring about a better resolve.
The house is too small. Jenna has more classes and she needs quiet at all times. When she is sleeping, working, reading, on the computer and when watching television. Her desk is in the living room and she does homework 24-7 when at home. She does do occasional other things but the fact is homework is pressing on her constantly. If only we had a room for her with a door. I am so cognizant of the limitations of the house.
We are all so different. Jenna hates bright lights. I tend to like them. I like the sound of the dogs nails on the tiles. I like to wear heels that click or clack on tiles. I actually used to put metal tips on the heels of all my boots. Now moccasins are fine for creeping though the woods after glimpses of animals but I am able to rock out to loud music and clink a spoon and slam a door. I sing and wail and cry loud. Life is in technicolor for me and also stereo! I do not like music on while I sleep. I like silence at night but nightlights to mark my path and Jack's to the bathroom and the water glass. We are all so different.
Jack needs to exercise more as he is getting weaker. It is only possible for him to go to the bathroom from the bedroom or the kitchen table at present. It will be possible for him to go into the living room and around the circle also when Jenna is in school. She does have 14 credits and many of them are 1 or 2 credit classes. She also will be working 14 hours a week at the school. She is trying very hard to get her area cleaned up and spruced up so it will be more orderly and useable. Jenna does want Jack to exercise more. We just need to make it possible.
My personal area is trashed since Christmas and I desperately need time to do all that is in my mind to do. I feel so stressed and irritated. I need alone time. I want to start an eating program and exercise program and initiate a budget that is trackable. All this takes time. I feel like I am running in circles with the responsibilites and the daily curves that come my way. Whew!
Now this brings up a question that has been brought to my attention. Is blogging like journaling?
Why am I writing this out for the blogworld to read? I am real and real problems happen and I need to get my thinking wrapped around the problems so I can see a way through to walk a solution or stretch my thinking to accept the way things have to be until a change can happen.
I am not mad at anyone or trying to renig on anything I agreed to do. I do need to assess how it is working and if it is still equitable. That is always a constant flux. It goes on in marriages, parenting and friendships but oh my how it goes on in complex situations of mixed and unmeasureable committment!
So, is it acceptable for a blogger to air their personal struggles on the net? Yes, in my personal opinion. I am accusing no one... only working out my thinking. I like to follow reality shows so this is a reality blog. Get over it if you disagree. It only takes a click to move to a more desireable site.
Am I in hopes someone not associated with my or my personal life will happen on this blog and have a word of wisdom? Miracles happen so it could happen but actually what I love about writing this blog is the insight it gives me when I go back and re-read it. Sometimes I get that illusive aha moment. Now that makes it all worth it!
Excuse me while I turn up the volume and turn on all the lights. I feel like dancing here in the southland where I have some space to move! I will continue to blog and dance and sing. I will survive!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Drama and The Mundane

New Years Day brought a visit from Jenna's on-line friend Michael. They arrived from the airport at 7:40 PM and I had a lovely dinner prepared. Jack was very hungry and ready for bed but he managed to wait it out and was cordial and pleasant to Michael. Michael was born in Ghana and lived there til he was 9 but later was educated in London and later attended college in Holland. He is a Micro-biologist who is now in Deleware entering his Master's Program. His plans are to specialize in Genetics and get his Doctorate as well. This young man is goal directed in all areas of his life. He spent New Years Eve at a Watch-Night Service at his church. He wanted to start the year out with God.

After a repast of Roast Beef, Salad and Roasted Vegetables we passed a plate of Christmas goodies and served a cuppa tea. It was a pleasant meal. Then Jenna called Amberly and Jimmy to join us and meet Michael. That was perfect. Nothing like a darling baby boy to break the ice and get the smiles going. Jack was humorous Texas style and I grinned and poked him several times as he used me as straight lady. Christian won Michael's heart and we could see he is good with children. Conversation at the table had included the american public schools and how he finds them lacking compared to the ones in London where his cousins are being educated presently.

He seemed an interesting sort of fellow. I wondered what the short visit would decide for the two of them but even as he got on the plane tonight I am completely in the dark as to the nature of their time together and what it might have come to. It doesn't matter actually as I feel time is the best matchmaker in many cases. We all can meet and enjoy others in the Kingdom of God and realize that we are not alone in the world! I found it encouraging on a personal level.

My heart is still broken for the backsliders I love and want to see return to the Kingdom.
As Israel is engaged in warfare on the Gaza Strip I am watching the sky. Jesus could return any day!