Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In the Throes of being Sifted

A day of testing, trials and temptations. I was tense and terse and close to a tempest of temper but I managed to somehow endure. My lawyer is not a good communicator and I am too ready to let the law office do as they want until....the unfortunate happens and it happens way too often when going through this maze. I am certainly glad I am not embroiled in a battle with court to face and have the same confidence in my lawyer (not so much) that I have now. Whew! This is much less stressful that that would be. I just wish it were other than what it is. Hopefully it will all be over but the trail of tears soon and very soon.
Adding to this day of reckoning in that department I must say I faced another disappointment and trial. Mentoring of women with serious emotional problems is a brave thing I have tried to do. Some efforts have resulted in positive benefits that I can see, others have had great and terrible disappointments in times of crisis as they return to the old ways and do not continue to watch their behaviors and check their motives. I have decided to pray more and say less.
This decision would benefit me when I am frustrated with my beloved husband in the midst of his struggles. This is my time of crisis and I need to watch my behavior and check my motives. Yup...Pray more and say less.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Announcing a Loss

My Aunt Gaynold Frazier passed from this world on Friday morning at nearly 5 AM. She had been afflicted with Alzheimers for the last years of her life. She turned 80 March 21st. Her son Rob was with her as she passed and made sure her last hours were comfortable. She is survived by my cousins Rob and David. She was preceeded in death by her husband, my Uncle Bill Frazier who died of a massive heart attack while playing basketball with his kids at age 41. Their son Billy died at age 26 or so from heart problems stemming from his Juvenile Diabetes. Their daughter Mary died of a heart attack at age 38. She was a teacher. Finally their oldest son Terry died of a heart attack at a similar age to his father. Gaynold had seen her share of heartache in her life. She had a sister who died of Alzheimers and is survived by a sister who lives out west. She has 6 grandchildren, 3 from Terry and his wife Esther, 2 from Rob and his wife Kim, One from David and his wife Kelly. I remember that Gaynold was a talker and loved people. She never remarried after Uncle Bill died and did not regret this. He was the love of her life. She was a faithful attender at a local Lutheran Church in Delevan until she was unable to go any longer. Her last days were in a lovely facility in Janesville. It had artwork on the walls, water features and beautiful rooms.The last I went to visit her she still knew me several years ago. It is hard and sad to watch those we love sink into memory loss and the other related problems of Alzheimers. I commend her son Rob for his faithful attention to his mom and to his daughters, and Kim for keeping her life as pleasant as could be. David and Kelly visited also and their daughter, now 7, was a particular delight to Gaynold.
 Gaynold was a runner up to the Wisconsin Dairy Princess before she and Uncle Bill were married. I remember their wedding. I believe I was 7 years old. I had a huge crush on my uncle and wasn't sure if Gaynold should marry him but she won me over. They brought me a book when I was sick and I remember that book about Bunny Blue who lost his ribbon. Gaynold made doll clothing for my favorite doll and I loved to visit and play with the kids which came along quickly. Gay managed the home and children well and was able to hold it together despite the huge losses she endured. I will cherish her memory.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I think it was a better day...hmmmm...

Yesterday was hard. A list of things that we did included Church and pot luck after, nap for Jack and dishes for me, trip to a mall that was fruitless for the most part though I got some old navy jeans and a shirt, then Cracker Barrel for supper as we were tired and it was really late. A certain person who was along to the pot luck and to Cracker Barrel did not eat and just slept at the table and out in front of the church. If only I had my good camera with I should have loved posting that picture with the title..."Too much communion wine..." but alas no. I think this person is a bit spoiled and also doesn't take time to sleep enough so is always slightly manic...

Glad the problem is not mine to deal with regularly for I find I go into an old mode I lived in once when life had tempermental men around and drunks...a tightening happens around my gut and my spine gets stiff then I find myself becoming an avid conversationalist to detract from the spectacle. At least I am recognizing that the old responses are ready and willing to return at a moments notice.

Tonight I made dinner for Jenna and Mike as they had late Pre-marital counsel with Pastor Clark and we had planned a simple menu that Mike would eat. I have only seen or heard of him eating hamburger or beef roast with potatoes or bread but never a vegetable or salad or any other type of meat. Wow! Colon and health alert! But anyway I made exactly what he would eat and added a lovely complex salad for the rest of us. Jenna chose my hot olive oil for her dressing and sweated through two bowls of that lovely salad. Guess I made it hot hot hot!  

After dinner they left for Home Depot to continue the upgrading of a very old and damaged mobile home right on the home farm. Jack and I went out there today and I met about 13 cats and one with two baby kittens, I also petted a calf tied up in the corner of a shed and waved at her companion on the other side. I got to meet Mike's lovely, sweet mama who did her best to keep up with us as we looked through the mobile home together. She had lived there for many years and raised her two kids there in that tiny place. I know that Jenna can make this place into a home despite the mere 550 square feet.  The challenge will be daunting but think of the possibilities for simplicity! In my downsize I have learned much and it seems that I like my little place pretty well except when I want to have company to spend the night. Then it sucks royally. I do need a sleeping porch or a travel trailer parked near the door!

Jack seems to be resting well even though he tried to take a nap this afternoon until bath time. I do not think he ever really succeeded.I was busy cleaning and doing things of great importance. He certainly is not shy to ask for what he wants when he does not think he can get it himself. It is those independent actions that prove dangerous.

 Tomorrow 'we' have a whole list to accomplish by 4 PM. If things work as expected I shall have a used but working treadmill in the bedroom to begin using on Friday! Yeah! I have had many days home so am missing my godkids and grandkids. Hope this week allows me time with all!

My temper had a day off today and my night sleep last night was pretty good. Jack did yell my name loudly at 8 A.M. because he thought I was gone and I came out of the bed expecting to find him down but no..my adrenalin was racing so I just groaned and got up! Tomorrow is another early day. (By the way 8 is early...I get up around 6 and always think 'nope gonna sleep some more'!)   Eight seems a very reasonable time to make coffee and open the shades and greet the day! Oh yes and I painted my toenails tonight. Yes, this has been a better day.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Friday again...

I got a bit of sleep last night, more than for awhile but was met with a cleaning problem when I got up. I had to get Jack ready for the chiro trip and try to remedy the problem. I did what I could and then I tried to think of some new way to handle it.

Jenna helped me with Jack but I fought back tears several times during our long day. No reason specifically just stress or over-load. The day was fraught with the normal problems and the wheelchair needed in and out of the car for various times of getting him out for the meal and sudden bathroom needs as he has little warning. Jenna's fiance was waiting at my house, he had fed my dogs and let them out and they soon they were off on a date. I fed Jack and worked on the problem. I ran up and down the attic ladder searching for a remedy. I came up with a very temporary solution.

He is asleep and I now am rethinking the bedroom carpet. I do not have the funds to do new flooring right away but it is needed. So tomorrow I will work on this again. Every day I am trying to make it work. Then in the evening I process the day and try to get a great attitude for the next day. It might not make it through the night but when I can I start fresh and begin again going back to who Jesus wants me to be and that this would be hard for a professional to do 24/7.

I made some pablano peppers with cream cheese and bacon for supper and they were delish. Tomorrow I need to search for more things that are misplaced and finish my clean-up as well as a few new projects. I still have to go to the courthouse and get a copy of something they forgot to tell me about before I can go forward with the next step...I have many things on my plate. I am weary but determined to go forward. There may not be a light at the end of the tunnel that I can see but I do have a big God who knows just what our needs are and he promises not to give me more than I can handle!

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I am thinking that any good parent will restrain a child that cannot be safe without those restraints. Many items are sold each day across our land to keep the kids safe such as play pens, safety gates, strollers, cribs and the list goes on and on....

I have nothing to keep Jack safe from his own poor thinking. I am not allowed to restrain him from the situations that I cannot seem to prevent. Falls, burns, more falls...so I try to block him in and sleep light. No Jack is not a child. He is a full grown man with a great story but he is also stubborn, male and afflicted by poor balance and poor decision making skills and a poor memory.

I suffer from my inability to keep him safe. He is my husband even though hard to recognise as such. He is in my care. There is little out there in the special interests land to help me at present. I wait for his name to rise to the top of a list for family care. What will that do? We have yet to see.

I sprained my arch the other night trying to help him and lost many hours of sleep this past week trying to keep him safe. I do understand why it is wrong to restain older  or mentally challenged people inhumanely but I really question the advisability of making it a crime across the board.

A hospital bed with sides that keep you in are a form of restraint. I want that for him. Seat belts on the wheel chair might be nice too. He flipped his wheelchair during the early morning while I was in the next room getting him something. I didn't know he would do that. I can't think fast enough to keep him safe. I can't leave him long enough to accomplish the slightest thing without a danger. My nerves are frayed thinking he might fall if I don't stay alert all the time. Sleep is lost and I feel irritable from the constant pressure. I am only one woman and this job is out of my comfort zone!

We all have a dark side....

Monday, March 15, 2010

Alice in Wonderland

Tonight I took Karah to Tim Burton's 'Alice' and we really enjoyed it. We did not do the 3D version and afterward we went to Borders and drank delightful drinks while we perused the magazine section. It was truly a delightful time away from responsibility. I had wanted to see it and then I really enjoyed seeing it with one of my God-kids! Jack would have disliked the movie a lot and it was right up my alley. Fantasy and folklore with whimsey! This kind of activity makes me more able to go on!
I am very excited about the new grandson in St. Louis as well. My dreams are confused but that is all the better to ponder the future! I look forward to a time with my son and his lovely family sometime perhaps in April. Later they will come and see Jack and show him his little grandson namesake #2!
Tomorrow is a busy day here and I must get Tisha bathed and dressed so this blogger is now officially signing off. My pillow calls me!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

No Clue!

I am struggling with caretaking. Struggling with the limitations it has brought to me. I try hard to find ways to live within the boundaries and not take advantage of anyone else. I, in essense, want Jack to have a safe and pleasant life.

I can do all within my power and yet I cannot be sure he will not fall or make a bad decision that might cost him or both of us our lives. I do as well as I can. It is a trap in some ways. I am a first born with a huge sense of responsibility. I seldom quit or ask for a lot of help though I certainly want to quit every so often and need help every day.

I do okay but it is a trial every day. I blame myself for my short patience and tendency to be frustrated easily by the lack of logic and the verbal exchanges. Tonight capped me off. I think it was spiritual. Gene and Pearl Werner came to pray for his healing this afternoon and they prayed for myself and for Jenna as well. Then Jack watched his program and ate Turky rice soup that I had made, Then I helped him to bed. He came out with something horrific that shocked me and angered me about someone who had tried to help him. Not someone he knew well but the attack was aimed at me even though it called this woman he met once a really bad name two times. He was asking to be put in a home so he didn't have to be here.

Is it the disease? Is it Jack's true feelings of anger which he feels but cannot aim at me for fear I will stop caring for him although he hates being cared for. I am beyond it, I forgave him for my own benefit and in case it is just the disease talking or some demon from hell. But I am beyond it!

I need a change or help or something. I am just undone tonight. I will recover. I will rise tomorrow and do my very best. I always do try hard to rise above the circumstances.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I Am Motivated!

I was on the way home, almost to the house when it occurred to me that even though I have very few dollars left I wanted some flowers for my table. So I whipped into a parking place and stopped at a place on main that I used to go to more often. I entered and strode back to the cooler and looked at what was made up. Na! Then Dorothy's voice said "May I help you?" and as I turned she remembered me. I was friends with her when she was young but closer to her little brother Duwayne who was killed by climbing down in a hole during construction and that gas which you never know when it will build killed two of them. Sigh. It has been a few years and since then she lost a precious grand-daughter and later the husband of that woman died also, leaving an orphan. Said child is now the center of a huge lawsuit about grandparent rights.
Dorothy has known much sorrow in her life. I got my flowers and we talked deeply about our situations for a short time. She has read and re-read "The Shack" and we spoke of it as a healing book. I took my daisies wrapped so sweetly and tied with a bow and knew that God had spurred me to stop. My calling includes encouraging others who bear burdens almost too hard to bear but for God! Sometimes all I have to give is a  smile and an ear.