Today I realized that I have no options available. I am in a tough situation. My husband, father of 3 of my children, step father to one and companion for 36 years has dreaded Dementia and Parkinson symptoms. He is caught in a trap and unlike the lobster who is caught by his refusal to let go there really is no way out for him other than a miracle from God.
I cannot leave him alone for long. He fell this past week while Jenna was picking up Pam. 15 minutes away from the house and he fell blocking a door so they had to talk him up and wait to even get in to help him.
My finances require that I work. I have no choice but must earn money to make the day to day bills that need paying. I have no extra to pay a helper or sitter. It is not that I could just stop doing this or that and it would be possible but sensibly no. If I stop buying the supplements that help to keep us healthier then maybe I could buy a bit of time...10 hours a month perhaps. If I do not save for car repairs and try to pay off the greedy leeches I got mixed up with when I used credit cards then perhaps but the bill collectors will come and the phone calls would start and my stress level would increase. It would not be an answer in itself.
So what is the answer? I thought I had an answer but it is not working. What once seemed a good fit is now like the stepsister's foot in Cinderella's shoe. I agree it is not the answer any more. So where do I go for an answer? There is only one place and I am there often already to know how to be in this and which way to turn in this. I fall to my knees inside and call out the name of my Lord.
I want the pressure to stop. The pettiness and the angst has to dissipate. Like fog in the sunshine it has to go when Jesus tells me what to do and how to do it. I want to do it right and with kindness and grace but I must ease the pain for us all.
Shadows and illusions have no place in my communications with the people directly involved. My anger against the illness has to settle and the simple acceptance that it is what it is has to come. I see this clearly but still I am in the maze and must choose rightly when a choice comes. As I walk it out the choices come. Step by step I near the next choice. I do not fear it but walk strangely sure I am doing the right thing and some things have to come to an end. The frown disappears from my face and I smile, a smile of acceptance. There is no answer until I do what needs to be done.