Thursday, January 3, 2008

A Seldom Cry

I spent a while crying off and on today and still the tears are there. I am truly grieving the loss of LaValle. The space, the rooms to invite folks to stay or to just have privacy, the lack of expense each month but mostly the memories that rang from the walls going way back to my babyhood...I am trying not to be angry at the cause of the lost but it is sometimes hard again. Just when I thought I was over it something triggered a new wave of sadness. I also grieve that the people around me see me flat. Flat Lynda that is it. She will be there so just unfold her and ask her to be solid and the same. I fell not even misunderstood but more like wallpaper than ever. No one really knows what goes on and the pressures I am feeling but yet they say "Why didn't you try for that library job I gave you an application for?" and they say it in a public meeting as my insurance is taken away. They suggest that my choice of helping Suzanne with the kids is somehow inferior to another plan. Perhaps so but it is still my choice and my reasons are solid. I did say "I am unable to fit that type of inflexible job in at present with the demands on me and in making sure my husband is safe and cared for in my home." but WAAAAAAH! It is so hard to have someone you think is a friend try to manage you.