I listened to her speak. Her words bit like scorpions. They may not have been meant for me but you see she came from me and she will always be in my heart. I wondered if her new life was easing the pain inflicted unneccessarily by clumsy and selfish ones. Those who hurt me too, a lifelong process of telling me I was not quite good enough..the same thing has occurred but with violence and a bad ending. Mine was like putting a lobster in a pot and then bringing it to a boil but you see...I am not a lobster so I leaped from the kettle screaming. Would I have noticed had my daughter not been so maimed and misaligned by them? I do not know but that only increases my pain. But those words came spilling out how mistrust came from the blow which rendered her damaged.
I lay all night figuring how I could somehow confront in such a way these as to bring about repentance???? How could I stir their hearts to realize their cruelty and guilt? How could I show them how their judgements have caused a life to be scarred and one heart torn and bleeding and two others made numb from the pain....
Do I trust God with this? Oh yes I do, but when the pain comes it brings torment. I do not sleep, I do not breathe deeply, I moan and I cry hot quiet tears for what is lost. I know what my grandmother felt losing Helen. I seek to lose myself in my prayers for her, for them. My greatest desire would be that they see and turn from their heartless actions.
They would wonder how I could say heartless when giving still takes place for others but I say heartless. I too was the victim of denial. But only my body was abused, my emotions were torn but my heart lay untouched waiting for the Savior to come and raise me from the betrayal. I have been redeemed from my pain...but tell me how does a mother watch the same actions that took her down the road of rebellion and guarding her heart become ok with it happening in yet another form to her own flesh and blood.
Wake up! Oh foolish ones awaken from your stupor and repent. I will pray and I will prod and I will cry until it is made right. God help me walk my part out. Turning my back on you would not make this alright. NOthing but a change will do. A change in your selfish positions of righteousness that stinks like old rotton flesh. God move heaven and earth to bring them from this carnage.
My daughter is precious and a blessing to me and I refuse to accept this as final. I am encouraged by my own determination to see this end better. I am encouraged by my God who redeems and forgives sin. I am encouraged as I look at the beauty of my children and grandchildren. There is always hope even in torment.