Thursday, February 4, 2010

Endurance is the Name of the Game

Good morning, (well it is better than the night was so I call it good.) To be home is so important to me just now. I had help getting Jack in which I needed oh so desperately as he was intensely wobbly. Relief swept over me when Mike, Jenna's darling showed up as we pulled in and I took the dogs in. He and I pulled him to his feet and then Jenna appeared and took over and all I had to do was haul things. I am good at that and staying on my feet...will I have another winter like this one in my life? Oh, who knows what lies ahead? Today is all I have energy for.

I had company watching CSI New York and helping make wedding lists and watch Mike tease Jenna about various aspects of weddings. He is a terrible tease and she laughs a lot. The night brought a fall. Jack was disoriented and headed for my closet instead of the bathroom. He was able to crawl to the bed and get up and it turned out well. I have not looked at what was crushed or broken. He was not hurt so I am pleased.

I am letting go of my expectation that Jack fight this thing. That is all I can do to release my sense of disappointment when he falls or forgets or gets mad over something I can't figure out. I have to let go of any expectation of others to help me through this and just be grateful for what comes my way. I have to keep in mind that this is a season whatever that means. Some Winters are longer than others and this one seems very long and very hard. I need to go into auto-pilot about the long re-do conversations explaining stuff and not let irritation take over. He is able to think about some stuff relating to his daily life but other things become very confused. Jenna can make him laugh and he likes her fiance so that is good. He looks forward to going to church and doesn't mind going to Suzanne's though it confuses him about what day it is and where are we going today...

I had a melt-down when I read Jamie's blog about Judah becoming a boy. I so do want to be involved and I need to give myself a reality check there. Perhaps my isolation or feeling of isolation is making this harder and it will all get more even in the Spring. Things will change then. Jamie will come with Judah and I will get to see him. My flowers will bloom and lots of things will get brighter and more cheerful!

I have bills to pay and taxes to organize, meals to cook and floors to clean. Today I will bury myself in my work and play music loud. It is all good. When I go to the grocery store I will buy myself flowers and tonight when The Mentalist comes on I will open a bottle of bubbly to celebrate what I did get done. I will find things to get me through this period of my life. I do not want to feel sorry for myself. What I am experiencing is normal for caretakers, right???? I pray blessings on each one who is going through this type of thing and I thank God for the prayers people are praying for me.

"Through Him also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God. Moreover let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance and endurance develops maturing of character. And character produces joyful and confdent hope of eternal salvation. Such hope never disappoints us for God's love has been poured out in our hears through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us" - Romans 5:2-5 Amp.

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