Mind Your Head!

If only we would take our minds captive to Christ! This sign is a funny one but oh my it speaks to me deeply of how we are to take every thought captive as we go through a day. It would keep us from grumbling and complaining. It would keep us from slander and gossip. It would keep us from all the sins that plague us daily.

How can this be done? Mind your head, or take every thought captive, that is? We cannot do this without the Holy Spirit living in us and directing us. We cannot do this without surrender to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. It is a daily surrender. Some days my thoughts are rebellious before I even set my foot on the floor. The human condition takes over, the selfish thoughts begin unless I take the time to submit and release the resentments and small things that build up on the heart like barnacles on the hull of a ship, then my anger and resentment will grow all day.

I live a life of service at present. I serve my husband in every way and I serve another as a helper as well. I do not feel fit for the job...For many years I was a secretary to my Pastor. It was a good warm up for this present time perhaps, but oh my, this is humbling to me. In that position I had a small position of respectability, a badge of tiny honor. I had a congregation to draw from for volunteers to help accomplish the work. In this I stand nearly alone most of the time. Jenna is my only constant helper and I have the responsibility to not lean too heavily on her in my need. It would be easy to let her ignore her life for the needs that Jack and I have at present but then I get pulled up short as I realize I have been put in her life just as she has been put in mine. God is not ignorant of my plight and His arm is not short. He desires for her to learn functional relationships as well as having a servants heart. He desires for me to depend on Him alone in all things.

I am trying to walk this out even as "The Price is Right" is blaring from the bedroom and the dishes wait from last night and my old dog is having the last of warm sunshine in the back yard but "How do I keep him warm when I am in Madison?" runs through my mind as a huge question.

Someday I will stand on the mountain after climbing through the forest of my life and I will see what was going on in this struggle to obey and find the balance and maybe I will grasp what was truly being done in me by the path I walked. Someday maybe I will be matured by this stuggle but in the meantime I am admonished...

Lynda, Mind Your Head!

So I look within for answers

I want to die to my impatience and temper. I want to be alive in Christ and His patience and love. It wasn't gushy love, all words and no follow through. Nope he walked his love out in healings, forgiving his enemies, miracles and truth expressed in parables. He walked his love all the way to the cross. I know I am loved.
I am not holy but the word says " Be ye holy as I am holy." mind boggling and yes legally I am sanctified but oh Lord this flesh is so near and real and untamed. I walk out my love daily and I often fail, fall short, miss the mark. I want to please God and how can he be pleased when I struggle against my situation and stew about my trials. No I need more of Him. There is no other solution to help me get rid of my nemesis, my kryptonite, my sin. More of Him.

I am not achieving any victories here except honesty

I have failed to keep my temper. I have failed to understand the disease Jack has and what part is him and what part is Parkinsons or Dementia. I have failed to treat him tenderly in the face of what reminds me of abuse.
I have busied myself with the outside stuff. the management of living and keeping him clean, fed and providing some entertainment and activities. I have failed to tell others of the battle inside me. When I am able to say something I think I have to have a solution. A way to start again. A leg up. A plan.

I got nothing. I can talk to myself .til I believe I might get it. I pray and ask for help but somehow am avoiding God despite my admission of my total dependency. I am failing daily and my heart is wounded. Maybe it is an old wound that has never healed. My anger may be old anger that I have pronounced neutralized but this is rising it up into my throat. Suzanne calls me from the other room if she hears my anger. LYNDA! I am in check and begin again.

Jack is clinging to me tightly. He is obsessed with where I am and can I hear him when he calls. He doesn't want me to stay mad. He antagonizes me one minute and begs forgiveness in some wierd way that doesn't really sound like an apology. He sees my frustration as the enemy and blames his mother for not telling him he would get this disease. I explain and I direct and I talk loud so he can hear and I touch him to help direct and he rebels and say he knows and does it his way. I tell him his mother didn't know. He doesn't believe me.

He awakens often to see where I am after he has fallen and the struggle has been great to get him to hear me and try what I suggest. He feels guilty and bad because I try to tell him to go slower and listen to my helps.

He doesn't understand why the kids don't come or call or take him and care for him. He doesn't understand why Eliana doesn't love him and smile at him or give him attention. He wants to see Evie and maybe thinks she will like him a little.

I don't understand why I have leprosy now to most of my friends. They stay away. They are distant and I resent their absence and their silence. I vacillate from making excuses for them as they have lives and their own problems. I cannot leave him. Not long enough to run to Petersons or go to Kwik Trip for bananas. I barely can get the mail or go to the laundry room for a load. I hear the walker and I am nervous. Will he fall? Will he have an accident? What is he doing? Run quick and see. I run. I ask. I watch.

He needs to get stronger for us to keep him safe. He sits a lot. I stay busy with other things. He hates taking direction from me. He dislikes exercise. I let it slide. When he does decide to walk he gets too far from the walker and he is so likely to fall and then he falls. I cannot get him up from the floor alone. I am not able to lift him, he is heavy and resistant due to the Parkinsons symptoms.

I do not know how to be me in this situation. I am a take charge, get it done if we can person. No, I do not have a plan for tomorrow. It will come and take it's own shape. All my plans seem to fall short of success. Struck down by a disease and a man that is lamenting the disease and hating the next step, as am I. He says it when I say I don't know what more I can do. "Just find a place for me Lynda. " It makes me sad, but I wonder how long I can go until I must.

I reach for my Bible at last and find some comfort in that God knows and I don't.

Wienermobile!

When I was growing up my dad worked for Oscar Mayer. He was a night supervisor in the dept. that was like what computers are now...used many cards with square holes in them. He had a whole crew of women working all night keeping records. Well, I digress but I really felt the Oscar Mayer Wiener mobile was like "mine"! So I caught some pictures of Jessi and a friend with the wienermobile at the strawberry fest. I see the kids got little wienermobile whistles. I have a couple in my memory box from way back 50 plus years ago. So cute!

Jack and I did get to go to The Dry Bean last Sunday and hear her and her buddy from Nashville Sarah Peacock! I sure enjoyed it. They wrote some new songs together and wow they really sounded great so I hope they record together someday.

A Time to Remember!

I am loving this week. I like being a gramma very much and have my own regrets as to the house I live in which is not condusive at present to visits from lovely short people but as time passes God will provide I just know! I think of sleeping porches or little guest houses, the attic turned into dormer rooms reachable by ladders, a camper parked outside with all the emenities. Sigh!
Ye s Virginia there is a Gramma Fairy and I am certain I am she! I adore playing dress up or making up stories by the hour. I can make a silly rhyme or sing a song and add a stanza on command usually. I know how to cook delish dishes and a few treats woven in. I can loll around in a kid pool, romp with the dogs and try to play soccer with little number 8's. I try to teach things that parents forget like about fireflies and playing tent with flashlights. I have enough energy for messes but little tolerance for pooped britches. I inspire success with hand clapping and rejoicing shouts but hardly ever a bribe. I can pray up a storm with little folk and enjoy tea parties of all sorts from the mad hatter type to dress up and raise your pinkie. I love to lie on the ground and look at clouds making up stories and titles for the creatures we identify. A bug can inspire a painting or a trip to the library. Books are made for reading over and over until the child knows what comes next and will correct you if you take a shortcut. I don't mind a video once in a moon and it is okay to watch a favorite show while gramma does the dishes or checks facebook but the t.v. is for days when kids are out of sorts from tummy aches or the water pipes burst. I love giving little dogs a bath or creating clothes for the dollies out of whatever suits me at the time. Magazines are made for collages and paint is to be wasted on the young who adore to create pictures for Mom and Dad. Yes I indeed am made to be a gramma. My life doesn't allow that every day but oh my when I get the chance I just go for it!

It was a good day here!

I awakened first at 4 to Tisha banging her gate hard and then harder with her head. By 5:30 she had the bottom free so I toddled over quietly and relocked it and said a quiet "Leave it" to her. She bagan to cry but not with horrible intensity. After a 10 minute attempt to get me to come back, crying and then listening, Suzanne woke up and came and told her in no uncertain terms that she was not getting up that early. Then the tirade was on. She stopped in about 45 minutes and began playing with toys so during that I completely woke up, pushed the button on the coffee and read my devotions and journaled. When she settled down again I hit the pillows for another hour. Never dull there! Jack is beginning to sleep through what I cannot sleep through. That is good!
After reorganizing the house and packing I did the sheets and etc on the two beds and Jessi helped get Jack to the car. I brought Cami home for a visit too. I really ached all over today and took several hits of acetemetaphen to get me through. Tonight we had left-overs and not too much of that but we had a late lunch. I am "serial" about getting my weight down and beginning to work out somehow...I forgot the shower chair but need a new one anyway so time to scour the used stores.
Going to the cemetary was good. I liked my relatives and this year have a new perspective of thankfulness for my father. He was emotionally available despite his other flaws. He loved me the best he could with what he was given from his parents and the life he led. As I stood before Gramma and Grampa's graves I said a prayer of thanksgiving and it continued over to Aunt Clara's as well. I believe Jack and I may end up at the LaValle Cemetary and it has a grace and peacefulness to it but I am slightly potted about cemetaries. They usually calm me.
I used to try to go to the ceremony they have at the cemetary about 10 AM but since I began working in Madtown it hasn't worked. So the graves are decorated as a sign of respect for the relationships in my life and in theirs for the ancestors are there as well.
Tonight I watched "The Bachelorette" on ABC and it was a real eye opener. I like Jillian and a few of the men. I dislike David and hope he gets the chute soon. He has so much testosterone that he is over the top. The guy who got a date watching Martina McBride was a definate winner with me. He has a chiseled face, great eyes and a sense of fun and whimsey as well as the serious part. So far he is the only one I think would make the keeper catagory but there are lots we have not gotton to know and a group went home. I don't think one way or the other about Juan but Jillian did a great save when the guys voted him off. She has a great spirit. I also do not like the country singer guy much though he adds interest to the show. The naked pool diver at the cocktail party was like an embarrassing moment for all. Bye Bye Naked Guy!
I await Ash's critique!
Happy Memorial Day! Late but so what as Jack says....

My Plea...without drama.

I am in need of support and help in this endeavor to keep Jack safe and well in his own home as long as possible. I want each of my children to think of what might be possible for them to do to make this work better. I know he feels solitary and alone in his situation. If it is hard to call him then write a chatty note to him every week or two. If you have the ability to visit please do. If you can stay for a few days please help me with some of the upkeep of the house. My list is long and never ending. If you have extra money and want to gift me I need a load of gravel for the driveway and perhaps a ramp or easier entry for him. The laundry room door needs trimwork and there is some painting that could be done. Jessi helped me one day and got so much done that I was relieved and shocked that she could accomplish that much in a day. I appreciate any help from any direction.
Sweet family, I know your lives are busy and complex. I do not want to guilt you or put a burden on you only let you know that I am unable to do all that is needed in a week or a day. I am desperate and this is very out of character for me to ask. I am looking at many things to figure out how to survive.
I am not wonder woman just your drama queen (as Jess reminds me) mom with some concerns and real needs for support and encouragement. If you have expectations of me please come and spend some time and learn of what I am immersed in and how taxing it is. Thanks for your consideration in this matter. I love you all without regard to how much you are willing or able to help me. My love is unconditional.

A Needy People!

My friend Peggy is in hospital with something wrong with her lungs. Her husband is a smoker but she has always tried to avoid the smoke. First they thought pneumonia but pathology said CT scan needed and now coughing up blood and admitted. Please pray.
Jack has some bronchial thing and is coughing a lot. J.S. came over with her steth and listened. Jenna has him today which is really nice as home is better for him when he is sick. He also has fallen 3 times and hurt his back and cut open his head. He is very weak and wobbly. I am doing all I can to encourage him to walk and sit up and hang his head to build strength in the neck muscles. I give him good food and get him chiropractic adjustments and try to make life interesting and give him supplements too. We pray for him and get others to. Sigh. Some things are just beyond me!
I must comment about love in the trenches. When someone is ill either physically or mentally it affects the emotions of love in a way but the true bottom rock dedication to love is not affected when the committment is clear and up front. No candlelight dinners or diamond jewelry, no passionate kisses or hand holding walks, no adventures and goal planning sessions, no heartfelt prayers while united in purpose...nothing to stimulate, not memories or hopes for such but instead something more dear connects me to the word and action of LOVE.
I did not have this committment to Jack when we first married. It was a heartfelt promise with contingencies. It was a contract with loopholes like if he stays mad for two years I get to just walk away for awhile and punish him good...but when I heard the voice of God and returned to Jack in obedience God had a plan for me to learn what Blood Covenant is. I still cannot keep the covenant (my flesh is weak) but He walks it for me just as God did for Abraham. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....

Furnace Frustration!

So not only did someone take the book I was reading to my house so it is not here to amuse me but when I called to ask if someone took it "by chance" I was greeted with the news that they did and that the furnace is not working right again. I had it fixed 3 weeks ago to a tune of $75. Then last weekend when it was in the 20's I had to pay Weekend rates to have a loose wire hooked up. Well, that brought a bill for nearly $100 and one week later it is not starting when turned up and so on was the story....I need prayer for the Furnace Angel to come and fix that sucker! Please ...?

General stuff:

I like to look around and find the good giveaways! This site below is great for checking on the wonderful clothing and stuff she comes up with. I will try to post a new one now and then. Posting on your blog is how you win!

Things have settled down at my house so I go forward aiming at a peaceful home.