I am struggling with caretaking. Struggling with the limitations it has brought to me. I try hard to find ways to live within the boundaries and not take advantage of anyone else. I, in essense, want Jack to have a safe and pleasant life.
I can do all within my power and yet I cannot be sure he will not fall or make a bad decision that might cost him or both of us our lives. I do as well as I can. It is a trap in some ways. I am a first born with a huge sense of responsibility. I seldom quit or ask for a lot of help though I certainly want to quit every so often and need help every day.
I do okay but it is a trial every day. I blame myself for my short patience and tendency to be frustrated easily by the lack of logic and the verbal exchanges. Tonight capped me off. I think it was spiritual. Gene and Pearl Werner came to pray for his healing this afternoon and they prayed for myself and for Jenna as well. Then Jack watched his program and ate Turky rice soup that I had made, Then I helped him to bed. He came out with something horrific that shocked me and angered me about someone who had tried to help him. Not someone he knew well but the attack was aimed at me even though it called this woman he met once a really bad name two times. He was asking to be put in a home so he didn't have to be here.
Is it the disease? Is it Jack's true feelings of anger which he feels but cannot aim at me for fear I will stop caring for him although he hates being cared for. I am beyond it, I forgave him for my own benefit and in case it is just the disease talking or some demon from hell. But I am beyond it!
I need a change or help or something. I am just undone tonight. I will recover. I will rise tomorrow and do my very best. I always do try hard to rise above the circumstances.