I crawled into the tub with my book "Do You Think I'm beautiful?" by Angela Thomas. Before I was done I reached an awareness that I had become someone I never wanted to be and it was my choice to call out to God and ask Him to change it. I called out and today was better. I am realizing that I have been disobedient in an area and though Heavenly Father has been very faithful and kind to me...waiting for me to realize where I had gone in my pain. I had left my first love...not completely but turned away and stopped seeking. What I have done to survive in my home I have done to my Saviour and Lord as well. Go through the motions the feelings may come back later but for now just keep on keeping on has been my mantra.
I do not want to be less that in a vital alive active relationship with my God. I want to be in the word daily, praying and prophecying, doing service as I am led, obedient in my finances as well as in the church and community and home.
My tears are real and my repentance is real and I fear the thing that so often happens between the knowing and the doing...looking into the mirror then walking away and forgetting what I look like. I so long to instantly obey. I want to trust God in every area and plug my ears to the world's voices.
I still want to be able to get past my circumstances and to put my life on the life every day. Either God is real every day and in all the ways He claims or else it is a fairy tale and I know it is real so I want to walk in the reality of my faith. Putting feet to my faith every day. Yes!
So the deal is this: I feel renewed and refreshed. I now want to be refueled and revived and I am going to do my part to see that in my life. God is good and I trust him so I want others to see that I really do in the small choices or the huge life changing ones. It is all the same.
Am now in the attic (emotionally) with my Bible in my hand. I am going forward with my Redeemer!
Thanks for your prayers and please do not stop. The Baldwin household needs God and His Mercy and Grace in every area of life.